The Monster Inside
by CFdoesFanFics123
Summary: One night on the rooftops, Raphael is presented with a deal that's consequences won't turn out well either way. However, Raph is conflicted to make the deal. But when his family finds out about it, he may loose everything he holds dear. Author's Note: This is the first TMNT Non-One shot I am doing! Super excited for this! I hope you enjoy the story! -Cartoon Fanatic
1. Pilot

They all looked at me. Terrified. I breathed heavily. Almost to a growl. "Raph?" she questioned.

"She" was Ana, my oldest brother's girl friend, and probably my future sister in law. We called each other brother and sister anyway. (This fact was the same for Don and Mikey as well.) Ana was the one person...well mutant, in my life that **never **ticked me off. She always had a way of calming me down, she never pushed my buttons...well unless we were both in a joking manner, and she never seemed be afraid of me...unlike my brothers who didn't necessarily fear me. They just has a healthy respect of what I could do. With Ana, it was the other way around. I had a healthy respect for _her _and what _she _could do to me.

But tonight however, when I looked into her gentle, green eyes staring up at me, I saw fear. I looked down at her. She was in tears. She looked so confused and scared. My tense body relaxed itself as I filled with regret at what I had done. I turned my gaze to my two brothers holding my third brother in their hands. Leo looked up at me despite the pain I had caused him emotionally and physically. He cried softly. Donnie and Mikey held him tightly but gentle, staring at me with the same painful gaze. This was fear. The respect was gone. It was hard, cold, painful horror in their eyes.

I turned to Ana again. She had gotten herself on her feet. She held her bloody arm that had been slit open with a ninja star. She shook with pain and exhaustion. I wanted to help her, I wanted to pick her up and take her home to rest and heal, but when I reached my hand out to do so, she backed up in terror. I backed off and looked at my bloodstained hands. I scared myself. Ana then slowly inched her way over to stand by Donnie, still clenching her arm.

They all looked at me like they didn't know me. Tears started to creep into my eyes. My family had never looked at me that way before. But I couldn't blame them. Quite frankly, they had a right to do so. I didn't know myself anymore. What I had become was a monster. Something I swore I would never become on the inside. I couldn't help my outer appearance but, I promised myself I would never let the monstrous form take me over completely. That promise had started to break two months ago and I was too blind by fear to see it. Now its too late. It was shattered.

I looked down at my bloody hands once again. "What did I just do?!" I whispered to myself. My gaze returned to the painful eyes of my family.

"Guys I….I'm….I wish I could-...man, I just want-"

"Leave Raph." Ana stated quietly, but stern.

"W-What?" I hesitated. It took a second for those words to sink in but when they did, it felt like a flaming arrow shot right through my chest.

"Leave." She said again. "Go home. Go to your new master. I'm sure he'll be proud of what you've done." She stood proud trying to block out any emotion despite the tears pouring out of her eyes. You could tell she didn't want to do it. She didn't want to send me away.

"...Ana I-" "She said 'LEAVE' Raph!" Mikey interrupted. He had never yelled at me with such anger before. "Mikey I'm-..." I tried to apologize. But he looked at me so angrily through painful tears that I couldn't finish. "Donnie?" I looked at my brown eyed brother, who I noticed had taken off his purple mask and wrapped it around Leo's gushing, red arm. "Donnie I-" but again I spoke with no purpose. Don and soft spirit turned his face away from me and closed his eyes which poured more tears out. He didn't say a word, just sobbed as softly and quietly as he could.

"Just go…" Ana spoke softly again. I looked in her stern yet horrified eyes and then my glaced traveled to my, now unconscious, older brother. Leo looked so pitiful. He was bleeding horribly and was bruised so much so that I swear every inch of his body had a tint of black and blue. I could see his heavy breaths. Seeing such a horrible sight, and knowing I was responsible for it, pushed me off the edge. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn't help it. I was terrified of myself. I didn't want to see them anymore. I couldn't bear it. I wanted to get away from everyone now. So thats what I did.

I slowly backed up from them and then turned around and bolted. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I got about seven skyscrapers away and turned around to look at them. They all had their backs turned and walked shakily towards home. Mikey now had Leo hauled on his back and held him with the rest of the strength he had and Don had picked the extremely weak Ana up from her shaky legs and cradled her gently in his bruised arms.

Despite their pain, they all looked so full of courage. I wish to ends of the earth that I had the bravery they had….well have.

Tears still poured out of my burning eyes as I turned away in shame and continued the route to Shredder's lair.

I arrived about ten minutes later and climbed through the secret, broken window. I flipped onto my knees and bowed my head low in his presents as I wiped away my tears quickly. Shredder then sat up in his "throne" and spoke proudly.

"Raphael. You have returned sooner than I expected. I assume they didn't put up much of a fight."

"Of course they didn't!" I looked up at him and raised my voice in anger. "They would never try to hurt me! Not even on their worst days when they're all ticked off at me!"

"Mmm. Just as thought. You have done well my apprentice. I have what I need. Now I need you to-"

"FORGET IT! This wasn't in the deal! You said if I join you, my family wouldn't get hurt! That was the deal!"

He stood up, frustrated. "No Raphael. The deal was more different than you think! And-"

"If its so different, tell me what it is! Refresh my memory!" I was now on my feet yelling.

He got to his feet and walked right in front of me. He bent down in my face and spoke. "You know very well what it is!" he hissed. "It is useless for me to repeat my self a third and fourth time... Stand by for my next instructions. Be expecting them within the next twenty-four hours."

"NO WAY! I'm out of he-" he struck out his blades, cutting me off. My stomach twisted and turned as I wait for his next words.

"If you leave, the deal is off. And you know that means." he spoke deeply, putting the points of the blades to me neck.

"H-hai s-sensei…" I hesitated in fear but not for _my _life.

"Good. You may rest now. I will see you in a matter of hours." Shredder put away his blades as he spoke and sat back down.

"Yes master Shredder…" I forced myself to say as I bowed and exited the room.

I walked down the hall till I reached my dorm. I open the creaky door and slammed it behind me. I kicked my bed side table which caused the lamp on top to crash onto the ground and shattered the light bulb. But I didn't give a crap.

"AHHH! WHY IS THE WORLD AGAINST ME?! WHY AM I HERE?!" I screamed into my rather large room as I flung my sais at the wall and threw a few of my other belongings around the room. My words echoed from wall to wall and then faded out.

I sat on my bed and rubbed my head with my hands. Because of my violent actions seconds before, a cardboard box fell off the top on my closet shelf that was pretty high up. Too high to be noticeable. It landed on its side which let the flaps open up the reveal what was inside. I looked up to see what had fallen out of place. I swear my heart stopped beating when I saw what had slipped out.

I walked over to the box and got on my knees to pick up my red mask that Master Splinter had made for me when I was just a kid. I held it gently in my hands as tears slowly started to form in my eyes again. My attention was then drawn to something else that fell out of the box. And when I saw it, I SOBBED!

It was a picture of my brothers, my sister, and I. All hugging eachother and smiling our brightest smiles. I wondered if we would ever be like that again. The picture was of our most recent mutation day. Our seventeenth one. It had happened six months ago already. So hard to believe. I held the picture as tears poured out of my eyes and stained the image. I put it close to my chest and looked in front of me where a mirror stood. Lightning flashed outside as it began to rain and lit up my room, revealing my reflection clearly. The black mask, stamped with the Foot Clan sign and tied around my head, startled me. The sight showed me a foolish, teenaged, mutant, turtle in the mirror that I didn't recognize anymore. My eyes grew wide at the unfamiliar sight.

"I really am a monster." I whispered to myself as I looked down at the tear stained picture again.

"How did I get to this point?... How did this happen?" I questioned into the empty room as if someone would answer. And then a memory of mine became so clear and bold in my mind.

When I was a kid and had just gotten my pet turtle, Spike, there was a time when I misplaced him. I was so scared and worried about him and I was so mad at myself for losing him. I asked my brothers if they had seen him and they all said they had not. I was worried out of my mind about him. I was freaking out and then, I ran into Master Splinter.

I remember his voice so gentle and clear. "What is troubling you my son?" he questioned.

"It's Spike Sensei! I can't find him anywhere!" I cried into his arms as he brought me into a hug.

He held me tight and then released to get down to my hight. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes.

"My son," he spoke gently. "Whenever you lose sight of something, simply retrace your steps and you will find what you seek."

All the sudden a child like hope fill me up. Hey, what'd you expect? I was like...four. "Hai Sensei!" I chimed and ran off to think of the last time I saw Spike. I ended up finding him, in the kitchen, under the table, about ten minutes later. You can imagine how happy I was!...and how stupid I felt for overlooking an obvious place.

Those words replayed in my mind over and over. "My son, whenever you lose sight of something, simply retrace your steps and you will find what you seek." "Ok Raph." I whispered to myself. "Let's find some answers."


	2. How It Happened:Part 1

Two months ago, on the night of January third, I was on my way back to the lair from Casey's apartment. I decided it would be best if I walked him home from nightly patrol. I mean, you never know what could happen. Plus, it gave me more time with my best friend!

I was a few blocks away from the manhole entrance when all the sudden, I felt like I was being followed. I turned around to see the possible stalker as I slowly drew out my sais. As usual, no one was there. I stood there a few minutes and waited. I didn't want to start walking home again and then lead someone to the lair. Especially if it was an enemy of my family.

Time kept passing though. I was so sure that I heard someone. I knew I did. I was so close to home. I needed to lead whoever it was away from my destination. So, I put away my weapons, turned around, and started walking. When I reached the alley way of the lair entrance, I leaped over it and onto the next building. Not looking at it, not picking up my pace. Just completely casual to mislead my follower.

After I traveled another ten-fifteen minutes, I texted Leo to tell him I would be a little later than I said because of complications and that I would be home by 1:00am at the latest. I figured another twenty minutes would give me the time I needed to deal with my follower.

"r u serious? 1 AM?! Thats late Raph! Its already past curfew" he texted back seconds later.

"Yep. Told ya. complications." I sent back.

"Wat is Splinker gonna say bout this? &amp; wat r u talkin bout 'complications'?"

"I'll explain more wen I get home. I hav a feelin he will be cool with it when I clear up the situation."

"Ugh. Fine! Just get here! Cuz if u don't, I get the heat 4 it. k?"

"U got it. cya."

"bye."

When I was done with that small argument, I ran across the top of a few more buildings and then stopped. I listened and to my delight, I heard running footsteps getting closer. I drew out my sais and prepared to fight.

"Alright! Where are you?! I know you're following me! What do you want?!" I questioned.

"Mmm. Clever. Just as I expected. I believe I have made a wise decision choosing you." A familiar voice hissed.

"W-what?" I hesitated, trying to forget the voice I just heard. 'It's not. It couldn't be!' But to my horror, it indeed was exactly who I thought.

He melted out of the shadows, revealing himself. There he was. The Shredder. I held up my sais in defence even though deep inside, I knew I had no chance against him. Not alone anyway.

"Hello Raphael. Glad I finally spotted you tonight. I've been meaning to speak with you." the dark, shadowy man stated so casual.

"D-Don't give me that crap! You should know that I- wait. What?... Speak? With _me_?"

"Yes my dear boy. I have not come to fight. I simply want to talk." He answered me as he put him hands behind his back.

I still didn't drop my guard. No way! Not with this sneaky creep. I just stood there in a ready stance incase and waited for him to start talking. "Well then...get on with it." I ordered. I couldn't see his mouth, but I could tell that he smiled evilly under his mask. I could see it in his eyes. This wasn't going to end well.

"You see," he started. "I am in need of an apprentice. Karai has gone back to Japan to rule that branch of the foot sense she has finished her training. Bradford and Xever are hardly worthy of this position and Tiger Claw is not willing to be trained by me. He wants to keep his own way of life and training. Because of this, I need a new second in command." he paused. I wondered where he was going with this. Looking back on that night, I should have known. But I was clueless. My heart nearly stopped beating when I heard what he said next. "I would like you to be my new number two." he finished.

My eyes grew wide and my jaw dropped but then, a sense of humor entered my mind. I started to chuckle a bit. 'Was he kidding? Me. Join the Foot? HA! Never in a million years.'

"Pfft! HAhahaha! You...want me….to join The Foot Clan? Hahaha! You know, you never hit me as a humorous person." I laughed some more and then tighten into my fight stance again.

"Raphael, I wasn't joking." he hissed.

"...What?...W-Well why me? Why not my brothers?" I raised my voice, no longer humored by his remark.

"Your brothers are not like you. Leonardo lacks the force I need. Donatello has no skill whatsoever. He couldn't beat an old man to save his life despite his remarkable yet, unnecessary wisdom. And Michelangelo, Ha. I don't think I even need to explain that one." He chuckled. "You on the other hand, have the force, the skill, the cleverness, and the seriousness that my clan needs. I will train to have the control you lack slightly. But training is what an apprentice is for. You should know."

I listened to his explanation but I missed the last park about myself. That only thing that really stood out was the words he spoke about my brothers. I burned with anger. Sure Leo didn't have as much muscle as I did, but he could still take me down. He was a great leader and just as capable of such a position that I was just offered. Donnie, of course he couldn't win against an old man because he would never fight one. Don's heart is kind and concerned for people. He wouldn't hurt a fly! And what did Shredder mean by 'Unnecessary wisdom'?! Don was smarter than all of us and his smarts have gotten out of so many bad situations. The team wouldn't be here now if it weren't for him. And Mikey, oh Mikey. He was amazing! I mean, yeah he's not as serious as he needs to be in some situations, but Mikey MADE the team! He always kept everyone in a good mood, never gave up, you could trust him with anything, and he had saved all of our lives more than once. All of my brothers were special and unique in their own way. Who is he to insult them?!

"HEY!" I screamed. "First of all, NO ONE talks about my brothers like that! And second of all, I will never, and I mean NEVER, join you!"

"Oh I think you will." the beady eyed monster smirked.

"HA! If you still have that in your mind, you. Are. Stupid."

There was a moment of silents as we stared each other down. I clenched my teeth and my body was so tight.

Then, out of no where, Shredder started to chuckle. It turned into a bellowing laugh moments later. I felt so awkward. Finally, he settled down, and looked at me again. I wanted to punch him SO HARD!

"Oh my dear turtle, I wasn't done. You see, you joining The Foot is part of a deal that I have yet to explain."

"Oh really?"

"Indeed. Here is the rest of my offer. If you join me, I will leave your family alone as long as you follow my every command. If you refuse, I will go after them one by one and end their lives slowly so you get to see them suffer….. because of you."

I was taken back for a second but then I remembered that if they stayed hidden, Shredder couldn't find them. And, when I explained the situation, Master Splinter wouldn't allow us to go top side. Whew!

"HA! How are you gonna do that if you still can't d find us huh? So, I say no deal. I will never join you."

He started to chuckle evilly again. "Raphael, I believe you will when I say that I have located your 'secret' lair."

At the moment, the world seemed to freeze in place. I stopped breathing and my heart pounded. I dropped my guard along with sais. Hearing the metal hit the ground made me tense up. 'Was he serious? No! He was bluffing! Wait, was he?' My mind raced with question upon question. 'If he knew where the lair was, then why hadn't he attacked us already? He's crafty though! He would come up with some sort of plan before he came to kill us! Was this part of his plan?'

I finally brought myself to talk. "NO! You couldn't have!"

"But I did."

"Y-You're bluffing! You don't really know where it is!"

"Oh? Am I now?"

"Y-...Well I...I-"

"You don't know. Ha! Well young turtle, I say this in all seriousness." He walked behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. He bent down so he spoke right into my ear. "I found your lair and if you don't join me, I will NOT hesitate to destroy everything you hold dear." He took one hand off me and struck out his blades. I gasped for air. A knot started to form in my throat and my stomach twisted and turned. "You have twenty-four hours to respond." Shredder left my side. The faces of my family flashed in my mind. To think of them suffering and dying was my worst horror. And there was now a giant possibility that it could become reality.

I turned around to say something to that devil, not even sure of what I would say, but he was gone. I breathed heavily. 'This can't be real.' But it was. Shredder, my family's greatest enemy had just told me he wanted me to join him and if I didn't, well...thats it. His revenge, his vendetta would be fulfilled and my worst nightmare would become reality. 'Ah sweet mother of mutations! What am I gonna do?'

I was seriously startled at the sound of my T-phone vibrating. So much so, I jumped and let out a tiny welp. I picked it up and looked at who was calling. It was Leo. Probably ready to give me a bunch of crap about getting home. "Ugh" I rolled my eyes and answered as I picked up my sais.

"Yes dear?" I smirked trying to cover up my fearful adrenaline that still ran up and down my body.

"RAPH!" my big brother screamed. I took the phone away from my ear a bit. He was so ticked at me.

"Where in the FRIKIN UNIVERSE are you?!"

"Oh! Well you see-"

"Raph! Its 1:30! Thank GOD you answered your phone! Why were you not texted me bacK?! We were all worried out of our minds!"

"You texted me?"

"Ra-...you're kidding me right?"

"Uh...no."

"RAPHAEL! What the SHELL man?!"

"Look Leo, I'm sorry! My phone was on silent and I ran into Sh-I mean some Foot soldiers! I'm on my way home now!" I started to run in the direction of the lair. No way was I gonna tell him about Shredder and his offer. No way I would tell anyone!

"Does it really take you almost and hour to take out some Foot? And since when do you silence your phone?"

"Since I needed to use stealth to take out Fish-Face. He explains the extra thirty minutes right?" I nervously asked.

"...Well….I- ugh… I guess so. You're still not off the hook though! Splinter is NOT gonna be happy about this. He's gonna kill me! and then I'll kill you!"

"Why would he kill you? It's my fault."

"I'm the leader, the big brother! I take full responsibility for this stuff according to him."

"Oh well... "

"Oh my WORD Raph! When he finds out about this-"

"Wait wait wait! He doesn't know I'm still out?"

"Well no but-"

"Then who says he needs to know?"

"Are you serious? C'mon Raph! Quite acting like you're fifteen. Cause you're not anymore. Thats a pretty stupid plan. Even for you. We need to come clean with Father."

"Who said there's anything wrong with acting like I'm fifteen? It was only two years ago. AND did you know that a guys IQ doesn't fully mature until like, thirdy? I learned that one from Donnie." I smirked. "So I mean it makes sense that-"

"Raph."

"Ok ok. We'll tell'm. I'LL take the heat though bro. Don't worry about sticking up for me."

"I wasn't going to. He's gonna blame me anyway for allowing it."

"Oh well...we'll figure out something. I'm not gonna let you get in trouble for something I did."

"Thanks but still-"

"Hey Leo, I just entered the sewer. Talk to you in a few. We'll figure this out when I get home."

"Oh. Ok. See you in a minute."

"Yup. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up and started running through the tunnels that lead me back to the lair.

A few minutes later I arrived to Ana flaked out on the couch and Leo paising back and forth. "Raph!" he whispered when he saw me enter the main room. He walked over to me quickly and pulled me into a hug.

I half-hugged him back and after a few awkward seconds past, he let me go. "Lemme put Ana in her bed and then we'll talk." He whispered again as he walked over to my sister and picked her up. He cradles her gently as he walked to her room and set her lovingly on her bed. He undoubtedly kissed her head before closing the door softly and appearing in the family room again.

"Ok." he started. "Now that that's out of the way…...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?" he scolded me, not quite a yell but the force of one still lingered in his voice. "You should have taken someone with you when you dropped Casey off! You could have been home much earlier!"

"Hey look, I'm sorry! I wasn't planning on running into Fish-Face and his 'gang' on the way home!"

"Are you serious?! Have you paid attention at all the past two years? Wow. And its funny because you sir, are the one that's always getting on Donnie and Mikey about not being prepared. Oh the irony!" he sarcastically chuckled.

"Ok, I get you're frustrated with me, but I don't need the sass. And I don't get why you are so upset about this! I'm home now right? I mean, yeah we'll get a lot of crap from Sensei but, is that all you're worried about? Its gonna blow over Leo. You know that. "

"...Raph, of course I know that. And it's not just Sensei I'm worried about. I….I'm worried about you Raph."

"Me?"

"Yes! Raph if anything happened to you, I would never forgive myself. What if you ran into Shredder?" My everything grew weak when he said that. "He could have killed you! If that monster, or anyone else, ever took you anyway from us, away from me,….I don't know what I would do…." he finished.

There was a long moment of silence. 'I'm dead' I thought to myself but despite my feelings, I had to reassure my big brother.

"Hey bro," I walked over to Leo and flung my arm around him. "You don't have to worry about me! So it took me a little longer to get home tonight. No biggy! Dude. We've been non stop training for seventeen years! I can look after my own hide."

"Yeah. But we're brothers. When are you gonna let ME have your back?"

"Listen Leo, you know I've always got your back right? Even when you don't need it? Its the same thing with me. I know you will always have my back even when I don't need it. But sometimes, I will need it. And even though I don't think I do, I can't stop you from being my big brother. I can't not let you."

He smirked a bit. "Thanks Raph!...But still, what if someday you don't make it home? Then what'll I do?"

"You'll never have to worry about that!"

"tts. Uh huh. And why not?"

"Because I will ALWAYS make it home! I may be late, but I will make it!" I patted him on back started to walk towards my room. "I'm gonna check out for the night. K?"

"Alrighty. Good night Raph! Love ya!" he smiled.

"Love you too big brother!" I waved and then shut my door.

I took off all my pads, muscle wraps, and untied my mask. I flung them in a hamper next to my drum set and then leaped into my bed. I sat there minute before pulling the covers over myself and turning off the light. Once I was all settled in, I laid there for a long time just staring into the darkness above as events of an hour before returned to my mind. 'Ah Sewer bunnies! Now I'm never gonna be able to fall asleep.'

My mind kept replaying the same things. His one dead eye staring into my soul, his sharpened blades shooting out and threatening my decisions, his deal. 'What am gonna do about the deal? I can't go with him! I mean, he's my family's arch nemesis! And can you imagine how crappy that life would be?!...But if I didn't I would lose everything. Leo, Donnie, Mikey, Ana, Master Splinter...' I had no idea of what to do. I needed some guidance. I decided I would talk to Sensei in the morning. Of course I wasn't going to directly tell him the problem but I would figure out how I would present my case later. Maybe he could help.

The Next Day:

I hardly slept at all that night. I woke up still exhausted and wanting to lock myself in my room, never to come out again. But I couldn't do that so, when my alarm went off at 7:30 am, I force myself on my feet and got ready.

After I finished putting on my pads, wraps, and mask, I groggily walked through the main room of the lair and into the kitchen where Mikey was making breakfast. Everyone sat around the table waiting for food to be served, all except Master Splinter, who was probably doing his morning meditation. Ana was the first to see me emerge through the doorway.

"Raph!" she cried as she got up and pulled me into one of her famous, 'Ana Hugs' we called them. (Ana seriously gave the best hugs in the world! No one could give a hug that even came close to Ana's!) "What happened to you last night?!" She questioned has she let me go and placed her hands on my shoulders.

"Oh! I just ran into a little Foot Clan crap. No worries! I'm fine!" I lied. I was definitely not fine and there were many worries in my mind.

"Oh my word! Good!" she claimed in relief as she brought me into another hug and then went back to take her place around the table, next to Leo of course.

"RAPH!" Mikey Cheered as he flung his arms around me and lifted me off the ground. "Glad you're alright bro!" he stated before putting my down and running back to the stove to flip the pancakes.

"You said you ran into Foot?" Donnie questioned.

"Yeah. Got a little rough but I took care of it!" I assured him, chuckling, as I walked over and gave my brown eyed brother a noogie. He chuckled a bit as I took my seat next to him. Don gave me a side hug and then sipped his coffee.

We all had an enjoyable breakfast! Watching Mikey fail at trying to do tricks with the spatula gave us all our laugh for the morning. Thank God he didn't drop the pancakes cause those things were goooood! After breakfast we trained for a while with Sensei and then everyone made their way to the main room for some cartoons. I stayed in the Dojo though. It was time to talk to Master Splinter about my tough decision. I had twelve hours to reply to Shredder so, I needed to to figure this out fast.

"Hey Dad?..." I questioned. "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course Raphael. What is it?"

I thought of my word before I said them despite the fact I would probably trip over my tongue anyway. "You see….I was just wondering, say you had a deal presented to you by...by...Shredder for example." I started. "And if you agreed to it...your life would suck. But if you didn't agree to it, your family would suffer." Splinter cocked his ears. I knew he was wondering where the heck this came from. "What I want to know is….what would you do?" I finished.

"Well," he pondered as he stroked his thin beard. "Sometimes, the right decision seems like the wrong one. But, if your heart is in the right place, even if your path is dark and full of horror, there while be light at the end of the tunnel."

"So what are you saying sensei?"

"I would live the life that would, in your words, 'suck'. I would spare my family from such terror and pain."

"Why?"

"Because, my life comes after the lives of my family. And like I said, your suffering will end if you choose correctly. If not, then your life will forever be dark, lonely, and full of pain that never ends."

"So, you would make the deal with him?!"

"Of course I would. My family is the most important thing to me here on earth. My life is worth nothing compared to theirs in my eyes."

"Oh. Ok! Thanks Sensei!" I tried to force a smile. I knew what I had to do now.

I got up and started walking out when Master Splinter called my name again. 'Shoot!...Shoot shoot shoot!' I turned around to face him. He walked closer and put his hand on my shoulder.

"What is this really about?" he questions. My stomach felt weak.

"Oh..uh..N-Nothing Master Splinter! I was just wondering for future reference!" I nervously smiled.

He smurked a bit and yanked his head. I giggled under my breath. 'Wow Raph. Wow.'

"If you ever need to tell me something, do not be afraid to share. As your father, it is my job to help you while I am still here." he smiled gently.

"Hai Sensei." I bowed and exited the dojo.

'Future reference? FUTURE REFERENCE?! That was your reason? You IDIOT!' I thought to myself as I made my way to the couch.

I sat down by Donnie and crossed my arms. I thought about the deal and what Master Splinter said. I knew what I was gonna do but I didn't want to think about that right now. All I wanted to do was to spend time with my siblings. So I did my best not to be awkward about asking them to hang out.

Before I could ask though, Donnie turned his head in my direction. "You alright Raph?" he asked, concerned. I must have had an upset expression on my face. I snapped right out of my thoughts when I heard his voice. "Oh yeah! I'm fine Don! Just thinking about stuff."

"What stuff? You look discouraged."

"I do? Sorry. I don't mean to look that way. I was just think of….of…"

"Of?"

"Of something that Master Splinter and I talked about. Nothing to get worried about." I winked and then changed the subject quickly. "So who wants to find a skate spot?"

Ana leaned across Leo's chest to look at me. (I could see my big brother's cheeks growing really pink. Haha!) "I'm game!" she chimed. Mikey popped up from the floor. "Let's do it!" Don looked over at me. "Sounds like fun!" He revealed his gappy smile. "Cool! Leo?" I questioned. "Sure! Yeah! Let's go. Lemme let Sensei know." He said as he got up and walked towards the dojo.

A few minutes later he emerged out of the hallway with all our rooms with his board. "We're cool! Let's go!" He put his board on his shell and started running with the rest of us.

We were out for a long time! It was really enjoyable just to get my mind off of things. It was even more fun to see Ana getting better and better at her skateboard skills. She did take a few spills but she hopped right back on her board and pushed off the tunnel walls to get herself going again. It was really sweet to watch Leo teach her new tricks and watch Don and her race down the tunnels below the busy streets. And then there was Mikey who couldn't contain himself from showing off but I can't blame him. I did the same thing! We actually had a little competition. It was pretty intense but it ended in a tie. We returned home about nine for dinner.

I actually had forgotten about the deal with Shredder. It was nice to leave the stress behind for a while but when clock struck 11:00 pm, I unfortunately was reminded of the horrible decision. That horrible hour kept coming closer. I didn't eat dinner or any snacks during the movie we watched. I could feel the concern in the air that the others had for me. I saw them each look at me more than once and Ana asked several times if I was ok. I just shrugged it off. I couldn't tell them.

About in the middle of the movie, I looked at the clock and was horrified by the time. 12:37 am. It was time. I had to get going. "Hey guys, I'm gonna take a walk….I need some fresh air." There was a slight shakiness in my voice as I spoke. I got up and started to walk towards the exit. "If you guys are in bed by the time I get back, good night. Hope ya sleep well." I wasn't going to make this a sappy good-bye. 'To heck with that!' That was stupid and I quite frankly didn't know what else to do.

I started walking up the stairs when I heard soft footsteps behind me. "Raph! Wait!" It was Mikey. He stood at the steps, looking up at me. "M-Maybe someone should go with you this time...You know. Just in case…." I knew he was hinting at going with me. "Uh...Hey listen Mikey… It's really cool of you to look after me like that but I'm going solo this time."

"But what about last night? What if you run into Foot?"

"I'll take care of them. Trust me Mikey, I'll be fine!" I lied.

"...Ok...Night!" He said as he ran up and gave me a quick hug before he returned to his place on a bean bag. The rest of them all looked at me waved slightly as I exited the lair. I gave them a small smile in return. I didn't wave because that made me think of leaving them and I didn't want to think of that….even though that was the ONLY thing in my mind.

What tore me apart the most was how concerned they looked….for me. I knew Leo and Mikey were nervous to let me 'go for a walk' and I knew Donnie and Ana wouldn't be able to sit still until I got home and would force themselves to stay up in an unhealthy way until they were completely wiped out. 'Get them out of your head Raph. Block it out. They're just a distraction!' I scolded myself over and over like it would do anything.

Once I hit the surface, I got my self to the rooftops and started running as fast as I could. Fifteen minutes would run out quick. As I ran, I closed my eyes and just focused on the crisp air hitting my face. Leo had thought me that when you need to have more focus, concentrate on what you're feeling physically instead of emotionally and take deep breaths. It helps your thoughts settle and pit point on the one thing that needs to be done and sure enough, it worked. I always wondered how he could still keep his head on when Mikey, Don, and I were driving him crazy. My mind settled on what had to be done. The rest would fall into place.

It felt like I had been running for two seconds when I opened my eyes and found myself on the top of Shredder's lair. My T-phone said it was 12:53 though.

I slid down the other side of the pointy roof and slipped in through the broken window. I walked on the ledge that outlined the dark room and then jumped down to the center of it. I looked around. It was empty. There was no one there.

"Alright Shredder!" I shouted into the empty room. "I'm here! Lets make the deal."

I saw shadowy figure shot through the water in floor tank on either side of me. A few seconds later the over sized sushi bar, who I hated so much, pushed up on one of the glass tiles and climbed out of the tank.

"Fancy seeing you here!" he smirked, walking near me. "Master Shredder wasn't expecting you to come."

"Oh? And why not?"

"He said you would be too fearful. Even under that toughness you wear as a mask."

"Ha! Well your master covers his whole face with a mask, and as you can see, he thought wrong."

"Did he now? Then why is it you shiver and wince every time I walk closer?" he chuckled, taking another step.

I was silenced when he said that. He was right. I was scared out of my mind.

Fish Face kept walking closer and I kept backing up toward Shredder's throne. He had an evil smile on his face. I wanted to punch him so hard. I hated being defeated. (I don't exactly know why. I was use to it. I lost a lot of verbal wars to Donnie.)

Soon I backed up so much that I found myself bumping into something. Something cold and hard. Something that definitely didn't want to turn around and see but I did anyway.

I turned around to see what was behind me. I jumped back and let out a screech when I realized what, or more like who it was.

Shredder stared down at me. Much like he had the night before. I could feel an evil smile creeping onto his face behind the mask. My fists tightened at my sides as I looked back up into his beady eyes.

I cleared my throat. "I-I'm here to make the deal." I hesitated.

"Oh?" he hissed.

"Y-yes…."

And thats how it began.

During the next two months, Shredder taught me everything. I started to morph into a mutant version of him and I didn't even realize it one bit. My red mask was replaced with a black, Foot Clan one, my anger became more out of control than ever, and my head became filled with more and more lies about the Hamato family.

Despite the demon voices in my mind, that for some reason I started to believe, there wasn't an hour that went by I didn't think of my family and how worried they must be. And there wasn't a night that went by, when Shredder finally let me lead patrol, that I didn't spy on my family on the roof tops.

I knew they searched for me. When I didn't come home….man. I can't think of how they must have reacted.

I knew they were all worried but I couldn't go to them. I had strict rules from Shredder to not return to them, contact them, anything. I was completely shut off. And what was worse, I kept torturing myself by watching them.

I remember one night after looking for me alone, Donnie fell onto his knees and screamed "RAPHAEL! WHERE ARE YOU?!" though tears. I got up to leave for 'home' after that. I didn't want to watch anymore. But before I did, I heard him cry something into his hands. "I need you Raph. Where are you?" he murmured to himself. Don continued to sob there for a while and I continued to watch. "He's the enemy though Raph." the voices histed in my head. "No! He's my brother!" I fought back. The conflict continued in my head for a while as I watched Don cry. Finally, Ana and Leo came running from the direction of the lair. "Donnie!" Leo screamed. "Don't scare me like that! I can't lose you too!" he held Donnie close along with Ana. They both started to cry along with him. "We'll find him Donnie!" my sister assured. "We just need to keep looking. He's out there."

"I'm closer than you think guys." I whispered as I ran off towards Shredder's lair.

Most of the rest is a blur. As nights kept passing and my control kept decreasing. Shredder used my anger as a weapon. As an uncontrollable force. Soon, yelling was my normal tone. I started to loose my voice a lot but because of how jacked up I had become, I was even able to snap Tiger Claw into place with a single glance. I enjoyed that. Seeing my 'ex' enemies follow my every command, Ha! It was awesome!

Being Shredder's new number two actually wasn't as bad as I thought. I had freedom. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, and the only person I had to answer to was Shredder. And even he gave me a lot of time to myself as oppose to Leo. Master Splinter wasn't bad, but Leo never left me alone.

I started to love my alone time. It was what I had wanted for so long. Unfortunately, it was the wrong kind of freedom that I had. I had freedom from rules like curfew, chores, and such but, I was a slave to anger and fear. I never knew how many chains held me back until one night. Tonight.

I hadn't seen my family for the past three weeks or so. I didn't spy on them or anything. I shut them out. I knew they were safe and thats all I needed. So I stopped watching them.

Tonight though, they did a stupid thing and broke into Shredder's lair…looking for me. When I ran to see what breached the security, they caught me. I had no where to go as they shot statements and questions at me like 'RAPH?! You've been here?! For how long? THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME?! Why didn't you come for us?! What are you doing?! What th-...What the heck are you wearing?'

Shredder finally came running in and evilly smiled when he saw the situation. He then commanded me to attack them.

"WHAT?! No! That wasn't the deal! You said they wouldn't get hurt!" I argued. "Raph? What deal?" Mikey interrupted. I didn't bother to answer.

"No." Shredder started. "I said _I _would not do any of those things...As long as you follow my _every command. _I said nothing, however, about you not hurting them. Besides, you've given them enough pain already the last two months. This should be easy." he hissed through a smile.

My heart thumped as I turned back to my family. I stood there for a second and closed my eyes, trying to process what just happened. "ATTACK RAPHAEL!" Shredder screamed again. I couldn't shrug this off, I couldn't argue back. I had to do it. So, I raised my head and look right into my big brother's fearful and confused eyes.

"Leo, run."

The rest of the story doesn't need to be reexamined. I knew what I did and I didn't want to remind my self.

So here I lay, on my bed, with a picture pressed against my plastron. The one I had always carried. Stained with tears and showing me everything I had lost. I lay here, staring at the ceiling, replaying everything. I can't explain to even my self the emotions I feel but, all the pain and stress melted away when I shut my eyes to darkness and entered the world of dreams and visions.

I slept the best I had in two months. It was a really long time compared to the hours I had gotten before. I never slept past 5:30 sense I joined Shredder but today, it was the crack of dawn when I woke up. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. I realized that I had slept through my alarm. I knew a sound woke me up though. "If that didn't wake me up then," My question was answered seconds later when I turned my head to a knock on my window.


	3. How It Happened:Part 2

"Leo? Leeeeo? C'mon Blue Boy. Wake up." I softly spoke as I stroked the side of Leonardo's face. He was all stitched and bandaged up very skillfully with Donnie's expertise, but he was still out cold. Hopefully, he would heal quicker than predicted. Hopefully we all would.

I continued to speak to Leo as Donnie hobbled around on a crutch to support his fractured ankle. He didn't talk or even glance at me and Leo, but then again Donnie had stopped talking since Raph left. We were all kinda messed up. I could still see tears creeping down Don's face as he put the purple, orange, and blue masks in a hamper. He then sat down on his 'rolly' chair and took a deep breath.

Don had been non-stop since we got home. Stitching deep cuts, wrapping smaller ones, applying ice to bruises, and not to mention fixing himself up. 'Poor Donnie...' I thought to myself as I motioned him to come sit by me. He took me up on the offer and pushed up a chair next to mine. We both sat in silence as we waited for Leo to wake up and listened to the TV Mikey had on in the other room.

The lab was quiet. No one said a word until I couldn't take it anymore.

"Donnie?..." He raised his head a bit when he heard me say his name. "Why do you think Raph...you know….did what he did?" I questioned softly as I stopped stroking Leo and looked at my brother gently. He lowered his head again and shut his eyes, trying not to cry. He probably wouldn't answer anyway. To my surprise though, a minute or two later, he spoke very quietly and looked right into my eyes. "I honestly have no idea….Raph has beat us up before but only in training and joking around….he's-...he's never….hurt us like that before…" He looked at me and waiting for me to say something. I was honestly in a little shock. That was the longest thing Donnie had said in two months and he had avoided every conversation about Raph. 'Why did he answer me?'

Our attention then shifted to Leo, who had just turned his head and groaned. "Uuuuuugh….Guys?" he moaned as his soft, beautiful, blue eyes revealed themselves. "Leo!" I cheered quietly as Donnie got up from his chair to grab pain killer. He must have known exactly what Leo was gonna say next. "How are you feeling Bluey?" I questioned. (Blue Boy and Bluey were the nicknames I had for Leo. A little sappy, I know but, he is my boyfriend. Plus, right when I met him, before I knew his name, those names were what I called'm because of his eyes…..and mask….. Don't judge me.) "Ah!" he winced in pain when he tried to sit up. I gently pushed him back down. "Hey. Take it easy."

"It hurts…" he whined

"I know. I know. Donnie's got pain killer for ya."

He moaned again and flopped his head back on the pillow. "Whats the damage D?" he questioned.

"Well…." Donnie started as he filled a glass of water and and clenched a small box of pills in between his chin and neck. I ran over to help him carry the medicine as he did his best not to spill the water on his unstable feet. He didn't really answer his brother.

When we made it to Leo, Don sat on his chair again and propped his older brother up with a few pillows. Leo sat up and took the cup of water Donnie handed him. "Take this. It'll help…..and FYI, it taste horrible." he warned. "...Thanks Donnie. Now I'm so much more willing to take it." Leo sarcastically groaned. "Just thought I'd tell you before you spit it out all over your girlfriend…" Don whispered as he handed Leo the pain killer.

After the leader gagged and forced the medicine down his throat, the lab grew quiet again. The only sound was Donnie's possessions being moved and shifted as the genius put away his equipment. Leo layed back down again and tried to drift back to sleep and when he was done cleaning up, Don hopped on his computer and started working on whatever to avoid conversation. Me, I sat at the end of bed Leo was resting on, by his head. I started to stroke Leo's face again as he slept off some of his pain.

As I sat there, my thoughts started to travel. They landed on the first night Raph didn't come home. My mind started to replay the story, all events that had happened in the past two months. Mikey growing mean and angry, Donnie growing silent, Leo's, now daily, panic attacks….everything. We were all seriously messed up but, we had a very good reason to be.

I remember the day Raph left. He had acted weird the entire day. He was really clingy and on edge. His face was downcast the whole day and thats why Leo let him go for a walk without argument.

"Of course I'm worried about him but he obviously needed to get something off his mind." Leo answered Donnie when he ask him why he let Raph just walk right out and wondered if he was even worried.

We were all anxious for him to get home. After the movie ended, Mikey went to bed, Donnie went to work in his lab until Raph got home, and Leo and I stayed on the couch. (I'll spare you the sappy, lovey dovey details of our conversation.)

Anyway…...After almost TWO HOURS of flirting, normal talk, and snacking on stuff in the kitchen, Leo realized Raph still wasn't back from his walk. I remember that he had his arm around me as we sat at the kitchen table drinking tea and eating leftover pizza. All the sudden a shock went through his body. (I felt him jump.) He stood up and peaked out of the curtain entrance. "I'll be right back Ana." he told me without looking back. "Ok." I answered as I sipped on tea.

A few minutes later Leo rushed into the kitchen, breathing heavily. I stood up quickly and met him halfway to the table. "Leo! What is it?! Whats wrong?!"

"Its Raph! He's not home yet and he's not answering my calls! Its been two hours Ana and we haven't heard a word!"

I gasped. "Oh no! You don't think he's in trouble do you?"

"I don't know….But I'm gonna go look for him!"

"I'll come with you!"

"I knew you'd say that….Ana, I need you here. It's late, you're tired, and all you're wearing is a pink, spaghetti-strap, tank top and plaid pajama pants. You need to stay here and get some rest."

"But Leo-"

"No! Not this time. I'm sorry….Tell Donnie what's going on and then you get to bed."

"Why doesn't Donnie have to go to bed? Look! I wanna go look for Raph!"

"I know. But you were up late last night and again tonight. Donnie is use to staying up late. He can keep an eye on things and let me know if Raph comes back. Ok? Please Ana! Get some rest. Do if for Raph. You know he wouldn't want you to hurt yourself."

"...Fine….Just for Raph thought."

"Thanks sweet heart." Leo smiled as he kissed me on the cheek and pulled me into a hug. "Be careful Blue Boy." I whispered in his ear as I hugged him back.

A few minutes later, Leo bolted out of lair. "See ya Donnie!" he called behind him to his little brother, who had just emerged from his lab. "Wait! What?!" he answered. "Ana? What's going on?"

"Leo is going out to look for Raph. He's not home yet."

"Well I realized that but why is he going alone?!"

"I don't know. He would let me go either but he wanted me to tell you to look after things while hes gone."

"And you are to….?"

"Ugh….go to bed."

Don chuckled a bit at that. "Good!" he giggled.

"What? Why is that good?"

"Cuz you should see the bags under your eyes right now. Sis, Ha! You're exhausted!"

"Ha. Ha. Thats not funny Donnie."

"Is to me!"

I stuck my tongue out, playfully, at him. Donnie and I never had real fights. All Playful banter. We acted like five years olds sometimes. "Haha! Well I better get to bed before you tell Leo I didn't obey him and then he kills me!"

"Hahahaha! That does sound like something he would do!"

"Ugh! Shut uuuup!"

Donnie laughed again as he hugged me good night. "Ok well see ya tomorrow!"

"Night Don!"

I layed in bed for a long time just thinking about things. I wondered where Raph was and I hoped that Leo would find him and get home safely but…..something told me that my wishes were not gonna be fulfilled. I felt like this was not gonna be a small situation. Despite the feelings I got, I shrugged them off. I told myself that everything would be ok and the Leo would bring Raph home, safe and sound soon. Boy, was I a fool.

The Next day:

I walked out into the family room at about 9:00 am. I had slept pretty well but the good feeling melted away when I saw Leo and Donnie fighting in front of the TV.

"What do you mean 'You didn't find him'?!"

"I meant what it sounded like Don! I. Didn't. FIND HIM!"

Mikey walked up behind me and we both stared at the two brothers fight. My little brother finally had enough.

"HEY!" Michelangelo screamed. Leo and Don snapped into silence. "There's no need to get all crappy with each other! I don't exactly know what you guys are fighting about but I'm sure we can work it out without yelling!...Now, what's going on?" he finished. 'Mikey has grown up too fast for my liking the past two years.' I thought to myself when I heard him settle everyone down. He stood in the middle of his two older brothers now and waited for them to answer. "Well, is anyone gonna tell me what's up?"

"Ummmm." Leo rubbed the back of his head. "Raph didn't come home last night and when I went out to find'm….I…..I didn't have any luck…." he finished. Mikey's face became very concerned and down cast but he didn't say another word. Instead, it was me.

"What?" I hesitated as I came down the steps from the hallway with all our rooms. I walked right up to Leo and looked into his worried eyes. "Y-You didn't find him?"

"...No…."

I backed up in disbelief. "W-what do you think happened? Did you call him? Did you text him? Did you check with April and Casey?!"

"I did all of the above Ana. I can't find him!"

"We should tell Splinter." Donnie added. "He needs to know."

Leo nodded and started walking to the dojo. When he disappeared through the entrance, Mikey spoke up. "Is anyone hungry?"

"Really Mikey? You're doing this now?" Donnie spoke in a very annoyed tone.

"Hey! I haven't eaten since dinner! I was just wondering if I could make something for anyone else…..I could maybe help the situation….."

"Mikey. There is no helping the situation! There is nothing but the situation! Our brother is missing and all you can think about is your STOMACH! DEAR GAWD! CAN'T YOU TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY FOR ONCE?!"

"DONATELLO!" I interrupted. I flung my arms around Mikey to comfort him. You could see he was hurt by the harsh words. It was all over his face. "What the heck? There is no reason to yell and scream at your little brother just cause you're worried!" I looked at my little brother after I hushed Don. "I would love some breakfast Mikey." I spoke gently. "O-Ok…" he answered and we walked into the kitchen, leaving Donnie behind.

I kind of felt bad for excluding Don for breakfast. Especially when Leo walked in and there now two empty seats.

After a very, very quick breakfast of cereal and a muffin, if you were lucky enough to get one of the last ones, I got changed and ready to go. Everyone was prepped to look for Raph. All excepted Don.

I found Donnie in his lab, with a cup of coffee, messing with an invention. "Hey." I started. He nodded his head without looking. "We're all ready to go look for Raphael."

"Ok." Don answered at he got up and grabbed his bow staff and followed me out the lab doors. Before we left though, I stopped him and looked up into his brown eyes. "I'm sorry I kinda...left you out at breakfast Don…."

He revealed his gappy smile. "Hey no worries. It was good for me to be alone for a little bit and calm myself down."

I smiled, we hugged, and made up. Thats how we did things. If Donnie and I ever did have a real fight, we came clean right away.

We all exited the sewers and made our way to the roof tops. Leo said it was better to search on foot than going in the shell raiser. Something told him the locals wouldn't react well to a big, armed subway car driving down the busy road.

Hours went by. Nothing. We had covered almost every inch of the city. Raph was no where to be found. We all started to worry more and more. When the sun set, we took the shell raiser out. We searched every road, every alley way and still found nothing.

Finally, Master Splinter called and told us to come home. Of course no one wanted to stop looking, but Leo hated arguing with Sensei. So, we obeyed.

No one spoke at our late, very late, dinner and no one spoke after. Nobody wanted to watch a movie, and not even Mikey turned on video games.

Donnie shut himself in his lab, Mikey locked himself in his room, Leo went to bed early, and I claimed to be heading to bed myself, when I really wasn't, and locked the door to my room as well.

It was a quiet evening which never happened. Granted, we did get home at like 3:00 am, but there was never a night when we didn't watch cartoons or just hang out and talk. It was different now that there was only four of us.

I sat up in bed for a while, playing computer games to try and get my mind of things. Nothing changed though. I couldn't even get past night one on "Five Nights at Freddy's". "Oh you STUPID, FRICKIN FOX!" I raged at about 5:30 in the morning. Right when the word exited my mouth, I slapped my hands over the sorce. "Crap!" I half whispered and half squealed. 'I probably just woke up the whole city! Ana, you're such a loud mouth!' No one came to my door though. Not even Leo. I waited a few minutes and then continued to play. (I had finished the game about eight times before this but I liked to replay stuff and see if I could set a new speed record for getting it done…..yeah I'm a pretty big gamer.)

As I tried my darnedest to keep the game from defeating me, I kept thinking about Raph. It had been twenty-four hours since we last saw him. I was worried. 'He couldn't have died! We would have found something to prove it!' Despite the odds, that same thought was running through everyone's head. 'What if Raph is gone? What if we never see him again?' This thought torchered all of us and during the next few days the boys and I sadly witnessed how much it damaged and changed my family.

Three days and still nothing. Donnie had done everything in the means to tracking Raph's T-phone and trying to pick up its last signal. One time he thought he had it! But, the trace only lead him to Raph's room. He found the phone on the night stand. After a huge rant, Don went back to working.

Leo and I had been checking the insides of the buildings and not just the outside. We doubted Raph would be in any of them, but we investigated anyway. We still came home empty handed.

Mikey had taken the stealth bike out a bunch and looked in areas that were 'classified' to us. They were apparently hidden spots in the city that Raph went to be alone in. Mikey only knew where they were because he had found his big brother in these spots more than once. He was sworn to secrecy, even in the current circumstance. No matter how many times we pleaded for him to tell us, his answer never changed. Unfortunately, Mikey changed instead.

Five days and nights had passed. Despite our wishes we woke up later that day. Master Splinter had said he wanted to find Raphael as much as we all did, but we were going about it the wrong way. Donnie had caught a scratchy throat from the early mornings and late nights. Thats when Sensei told us to stay home till noon during the day and to come home much, much later if we choose. He wanted us to stay healthy.

I walked out into the main room and saw my little brother watching the morning news on a bean bag.

"Morning Mikey…"

"Hi."

"Um...is breakfast ready already?" (It was about 8:00 a.m. and he usually made breakfast right when he got up. Which was always about an hour later.)

"No. Why?"

"Oh! I just thought you made it….you know, like usual…"

"Well I didn't this morning. Is that a problem for you?" he snapped as he turned to look at me.

I backed up a bit. 'Where did that come from?' "No! Mikey, that's fine. I was just wondering…"

He nodded his head and turned his gaze to the TV again. 'What the heck was that? That wasn't Mikey!'

I made breakfast for myself and everyone else that morning. It felt weird not having our extratic little brother with us and instead having this short tempered, morphed version of him. It worried us. Especially when he was this mean and angry all the time. Mikey became permanent.

After several, failed attempts at trying to track Raph down, Donnie started to change as well. Two weeks had gone by. Don started to lock himself in his lab. He seemed to lose all hope. He even stopped searching with us. Don was still working on stuff though. You could tell from the consent noise coming from his lab. Other than that, he was a wreck. He never ate, never slept, never said a word, and never showed his face unless he was absolutely STARVING. Even then, he would just grab a pop tart or something and head back to his lab. Our Donnie had turned into a hermit. He wouldn't even let me in to see him which was extremely abnormal.

Donnie wasn't Donnie and Mikey wasn't Mikey anymore. Even Master Splinter grew more quiet than usual. He spent most of his time meditating and would occasionally check in on us. Then, on top of all of this, Leo got sick.

Three weeks of rage, silents, and no results had passed. It was about 2:00 a.m. and I was giving into my gamer side by downloading "Slender". I remember it was the newest version and I didn't know what to expect. I was a little tense as I was sucked into the dark forest with a tall, faceless, murder coming after me. You can imagine how I reacted when a scream came from the room beside mine. I let out a screech and slammed my laptop shut. I then realized that the scream didn't come from my game. I took my headphones off and leaped out of bed.

"LEO?!" I yelled in conceren when I bursted through his bedroom door. I couldn't explain the emotions I felt when I saw Bluey sitting up in bed, shaking uncontrollably, and drenched in sweat. I ran to his side and shook him, gently, till he finally snapped back to reality and flung his arms around me. I grasped him tight in return and tried my best to calm him down. "Shhh. Its ok. It was just a dream. It wasn't real." I assured. "Yes it was. It was r-real. It-It happened." he sobbed back. I knew it was a dream about Raph at that point.

A few minutes later I was bringing Leo tea on the couch. He was wrapped in a blue blanket, maskless, and still trembling. I handed him the mug and sat next to him.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I questioned.

"No…It'll just make everything worse…"

"Oh. Ok."

"Sorry…"

"No no. Its fine! I understand. Sometimes those things are hard to talk about."

"Mhm."

We sat in silence for while. I hugged and loved on him. Nothing seemed to calm him down. Something was up. I knew that for sure when the same situation happened for three nights in a row and then started to happen randomly during the day! (Not the nightmare but the freak outs.)

I finally got Donnie out of the lab to look at Leo. "I have taken his temperature and it seems normal but his heart rate is fast and his breathing is making him hyperventilate." I explained to him.

"Is that like 24/7 or…"

"Well, its very spread out. It happens a few times a day and its not like a routine. The freak outs are not repetitive of the time the day before."

"So what exactly happens?"

"I don't really know. He could just be sitting on the couch, watching "Space Heros", and he'll start to sweat. Then his breathing gets heavy and quick as if he's been running. He then stands up and try to calm down but then he starts to shake. When he tries to walk it off, it gets worse. He's tried tea, he's tried to take a warm bath, he's tries to sleep it off and nothing works. He just ends up curled up on the couch, rocking back and forth, just waiting for it to stop."

"...Ok...Well, lemme check him out." he motioned for me to bring Leo into the lab.

When we walked in, both our jaws dropped. Donnie's once clean and organized work space was now crowded and cluttered with gadgets and wires. He had made a mess! 'So, this is what he does at midnight.' I thought to myself.

So, after a body scan, a blood test, and a freak out, Donnie found what was up. Leo was diagnosed with Panic Attack. Which is a disease that all the syndromes Leo was experiencing matched and he had to take a special medication twice a day to keep the freak outs at bay. Things couldn't get worse.

A whole month went by. Patrols were useless. Nothing happened despite my instinct that told me Raph was watching us. I just led the three of us on a wild goose chase which made Mikey rage. We would always go home and tell Donnie the same result and get the same response. Silence. Time just kept passing with no luck.

One night I needed to get into the lab for Leo's medication refill. The door was locked and Donnie wasn't opening it. 'Thats weird.' He had been opening it since Leo started needing medicine. I ended up going out the front exit and turning the corner to try and open the garage door. When I got there though, the door was already wide open. I stepped inside cautiously. "Donnie?" I raised my voice into the cluttered room. There was no one in the lab.

After I grabbed Leo's refill and shut the garage door, I unlocked the sliding door entrance to the lair and peeked out. Mikey lifted his head and looked at me strangely. "What the shell are you doing in there?" he questioned in a short tone. I had learned to cope with his crappy attitude the best I could.

"Uh...I just was getting Leo's meds…..Did Donnie come out here?"

"Ha! You kidding or something? Ana, Donnie hasn't left that god forsaken lab in a month. You seriously think he would show his face now?"

"No. Well I mean….he might have."

"Is he not in there?"

"No. He's gone!"

"What?"

"Come see for yourself! Dons not is not in here."

Mikey ran from his place in front of the TV and shoved me aside to look in the lab. His eyes grew wide when he saw the cluttered, lifeless room. He then turned around and yelled Donnie's name. "This isn't funny Don! Get out here!"

"Whats going on?" Leo questioned as he emerged from the kitchen.

"It's Donnie Leo. Hes not here." Mikey answered.

"W-What?!"

"He's not in his lab! And Mikey didn't see him come out." I explained.

Leo stood there for a second. I could tell he was thinking and trying not to get worked up. "Ok." he finally said. "Mikey, you stay here in case Donatello comes back. Ana, you're with me. Let's move."

As Leo and I ran across the roof tops in search of our brother, I saw tears starting to creep into his eyes. I knew he was thinking about Raph and now the thought of Donnie in trouble packed up onto his load of stress and worry.

About twenty minutes passed by. "Where could he be?" I spoke out of breath. "I don't know!" Leo answered out of breath as well. "I really don't."

Suddenly a loud, alarming scream came from behind us. "RAPHAEL! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"Was that D-Donnie?" I questioned.

"Oh God I hope so!"

We ran in the direction of the scream and finally found it's source. It was indeed Don sobbing there, on his knees, into his hands. "Donnie!" Leo screamed. He and I flung our arms around our balling brother and cried with him. "Don't scare me like that! I can't lose you too!"

"We'll find him Donnie. We just need to keep looking. He's out there." I tried my best to assure him despite my personal feelings.

I remember while we sat there, I felt we were being watched. I turned my head to look but there was no one, as usual.

No big deal but that small incident gave me an epiphany. The Foot watched us a lot so that feeling was normal but this time it was different and it reminded me that we had overlooked one place. A place that we refused to look into because no one expected to find anything except a fight. Plus, Raph hated that place so it was unsuspicious. As I sat there though, that place became more intriguing. Shredder's Lair. I didn't expect to find anything there but it was worth a try in my mind. I mean, what if Raph was being held prisoner there?

"Thats it." I spoke softly while letting go of my grip on Donnie. I stood up and looked in the direction of that horrid place.

"What?" Leo sniffed a bit and wiped a tear away.

"Thats it! Guys! What is the one place we haven't looked for Raph?"

"Ana, no where. We've touched every inch of the city. You guys have anyway….." Donnie calmed himself down enough to talk. Infact, that was the first time I heard his talk, voluntarily, sense Raph left.

"No. There is one place nobody had touched."

"What's that?" Leo questioned.

"...Shredder's lair."

"What? No way! He couldn't be there!"

"But Leo, he could. Don't you see? Like Donnie said, we've looked literally everywhere! Except there. Bluey, we have to try! We have to find our brother. He is out there. We can't give up on him."

Leonardo sat there for a minute. He then got to his feet and helped Donnie upon his own. "Ok. We'll check it out BUT, we need some time to plan. It's not gonna be easy. Around every corner in that place there's someone waiting to kill us. And we need to run it by Splinter."

"YES!"

"Right now though, we need to get home before Mikey ruins the place."

"Hey! He hasn't done that in ages."

"Yeah, but I don't know what he'll do if we're not home soon and his temper snaps."

Two weeks went by of constant planning. Master Splinter gave us the go to investigate Shredder's lair. Finally the night came. Tonight.

Tonight was the two month mark sense Raph disappeared. Everyone was ready. Including Donnie. We left at about 9:00 p.m. and went straight there.

When we got to our destination, We entered through the broken, stained glass window and leaped into the middle of the room. Right when we landed, an alarm sounded. We all jumped when we heard it go off. "Huh. Well thats new." Leo said as he stared up at the flashing, red light above him.

All the sudden, the entrance to the main room flung open and a Foot ninja entered. One extremely different than the others though. Shorter, more buff. Our breaths were all taken away when the fact hit us that we knew this Foot. There he was, wearing black pads, wraps, and a black mask stamped with the Foot Clan logo. Our brother Raphael stood in front of all. He must not have expected us there because he turned pale when he saw us.

We shot all kinds of questions at him. Probably overwhelming him in all the chaos and yelling. He remained silent and shaky. Then, to make everything worse, Shredder entered. When he saw us, he evilly smiled under his mask and commanded Raphael to ATTACK US! He argued back about some deal or something. I can't quite remember what he said. I didn't pay attention. I was in shock that we even found Raph but then to find him in the condition we did….I thought I was about to pass out.

The room was silent for a second then Shredder raged at Raph and gave him the same command. When Raph looked up at us and told Leo to run, I knew we were in trouble. I couldn't believe it though. I wouldn't.

Let's just say Raph followed Shredder's command. We ended up a few blocks down, running and fighting on the roof tops. Some Foot joined Raph as we fought. The number was pretty overwhelming. Then my bladed, bow staff was snapped in two by one of them as Raph flung a ninja star and slit my right arm open. I tried not to scream but the number of Foot and shocking pain, both emotionally and physically, ate at my control. I did, indeed, let out a huge yell of pain. Leo tired to get to me, but was held back by Raph. Mikey jacked up a bunch a of Foot, also trying to get to me but failed. I tried my best to fight. I whipped my tail around like crazy trying to defend myself. Everything was happening to fast, It seemed like a blur. Donnie and Mikey finally took out the rest of the Foot. It was just the five of us for the first time in months.

Leo blocked every swing Raph threw at him with his sais but never swung back. He kept asking Raph what he was doing and why. His answer was always "I can't tell you!" or "None of your business!" Finally they backed off from each other. They watched each other intensely while the rest of us stood on the side lines, bleeding, bruised, and hopeless.

Tear streamed down Leo's face. I could see him starting to tremble and shake. 'Oh no! Not now!' A panic attack was coming and he knew it too. He still stood his ground. Not even the bulging pain from bruises on his arms stopped him.

Don, Mikey, and I watched the two brothers. It was unbelievable that this was even happening. What came next though, sent us all, except Leonardo, into even more shock and surprise.

Despite everything that happened in the past two months, the pain, the rage, the silence, the fear, and the suffering Leo stood up tall. He melted out of his fighting stance and held his swords at his side. His voice was groggy and shaky but he spoke loud and clear. "If you won't tell me why you're doing this, then fine. I won't ask anymore. But Raph, you are my brother and I love you. I don't want to fight you anymore. If you have to do this, then go ahead. Do what you must." and flung his swords on the ground.

Needless to say, Raph did what he "had" to do. I tried to run and defend Leo but I was kicked aside in the stomach. Mikey and Don also ran to help their older brother but weren't able to get to him before he was thrown right in front of them. It was brutal.

Raph breathed heavily and said nothing. I finally broke the silence. "Raph?"

He turned and looked down at me. After that he relaxed his body and seemed to fill with regret. I saw tears starting to form in his eyes as I inched my over by Donnie, Mikey, and Leo.

Somethings were said that we all regret but no one could blame us right? I mean, our brother almost killed all of us. Thats why we sent him away to Shredder. Why would we ask him to come home after all of that?

I must have fallen asleep for while but when I was fully awake again, I sat there and remembered the events again. "Ugh. I don't want to believe this is happening." I whispered as I stroked Leo's face once again. 'I won't believe it.'

I looked up after a few minutes. "I will not believe this!" I spoke aloud. I then got up and placed a pillow under Leo's head. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a little note on it.

"_Went for some fresh air._

_Will be back soon. I'll be careful._

_Promise. _

_~Ana"_

I left the note next to snoring Donnie on his desk and left the lab. I saw Mikey fast asleep on the couch when I walked out through the main room of the lair. All was quiet and everyone was getting much needed rest. Except me.

It was about 7:00 a.m. when I left the lair. Darkness wouldn't last much longer so I had to get going. What I witnessed/experienced last night couldn't have happened without a reason. He wouldn't just all the sudden turn on us. I'm gonna find out why he did what he did. I had to get my questions answered. I had to talk to Raph.


	4. Confrontation

I rubbed my eyes and stretched my arms as I yawned. I sat up in bed groggily, waking myself up. Again, there was a knock at my dorm's window. The same one that woke me up a few minutes before. I looked at the window and saw a familiar shaped body waiting to be answered. My windows were dark so I couldn't quite see who it was. I dangled my legs at the edge of the bed and leaned forward, squinting to get a clear image of my visitor.

There was another knock but this time a voice came with it. "Raphael?" a muffled, female voice questioned from the other side of the glass. "...Ana?" I spoke out loud. I opened my window to see who I expected. There she was, balancing her self on the thin window ledge with a 'dead' arm wrapped up and clung to her side.

"Hi." She whispered.

"Uh...What are you doing here?"

"May I come in?"

"Huh?...Oh! Yeah. Sure."

Ana climbed in and looked around my messy room, cluttered with broken furniture. "Wow. This might just be worse than Donnie's lab." She tried to joke.

"I thought his lab was on organized and such." I spoke as I shut the window.

"It was…...Is your door locked?"

"Yeah….Why?"

"Because I wanna talk to you without being interrupted."

"Oh. Ok…."

She leaned up against the wall and looked at me with her big green eyes. 'Here it comes.' I thought.

"So," she started. "What happened to you two months ago?"

"Hmph. Of course you would ask that."

"Exactly! Raph, you can't just expect me, your sister, to sit on my butt and wonder why the heck my brother just randomly disappeared and then come to find out he's turned on us with no explanation. That kind of thing just doesn't happen. You don't just betray your family out of the blue with no reasoning."

I sat on my bed and looked at her, saying nothing.

"So, all I wanna know is what happened to you. That wasn't the Raphael I know last night."

"...Well its the new Raphael. So get use to it."

"...Fine! But why?"

"Its none of your business Ana. People change and stuff happens. Get use to it!"

I tightened my Foot mask and started picking up some of the mess. I tried my best to avoid conversation but she still pushed.

"Raph, I want an answer. I gotta take one back to the rest of them."

"They know you're here?"

"Well I'm guessing they do. I told them I was just going for a walk but…. they should know me well enough by now."

"Hmph."

"Look, they are wondering the same thing I am. Please! Tell me. Why is this such a big deal. We've never had secrets Raph."

"Never? Ha! What about **your** secret huh? About your past. You didn't share that with us for a loooong time! No matter how hard we pleaded."

"HEY! Don't you dare bring that up! That was THREE YEARS ago. I've changed since then!" She pushed herself up on her tail and looked down at me with her fiery eyes.

I smirked up at her. "Well I've changed too."

I walked away from her to pick up the box of my stuff. Ana lowered herself down back onto her feet and stared at the floor. "We all have." she whispered.

"What?"

"We all have! Everyone has changed since you left! Everyday, for two months, I have had to live with the meanest, rudest Mikey I have ever seen and Donnie, well I haven't seen him. He's always locked up in his lab. He won't eat, he won't sleep, he won't talk, quite frankly, I'm surprised he hasn't committed suicide yet! Leo, he got himself so worked up over you being lost that he got sick. He lives as a shivery, sweaty, worried mess! And all because you left! You just disappeared! Then, we find you in the state that we did, a FOOT SOLDIER, oh GAWD! I can't imagine how bad things are gonna get now!"

"...I….They….Their…." I didn't know what to say. I had no idea that my family would get so messed up because of me. "Ana I…...I didn't know…."

"Didn't know what? That everythings gone down hill? What did you expect Raph?! You're our BROTHER! You mean the world to us! Did you think we wouldn't care?" She was getting angrier.

"Well I… I didn't think you'd care **that** much…."

"That much….THAT MUCH?!" she screamed. 'Oh crap...'

"Raphael! I have lived in HELL since you left! The family that love and care about is is broken. We don't talk and we don't have any fun anymore. We're all so jacked up and tired. We have been out every night looking for you! Looking for your trace! And NOTHING! They have suffered so much for you! THEN WE FINALLY FIND YOU AND YOU'VE BETRAYED US AND WON'T EVEN TELL US WHY!"

Something snapped inside of me. I hadn't been yelled at for a while unless it was Shredder. So this was somewhat new and I hated it. Anger started to well up inside of me instead of guilt. The way I had been influenced the past eight weeks took me over and there was no stopping my rage. I had no control.

"Ok. Ok. FINE! You wanna know why?! Well this is why. I was so fed up with following the rules and obeying every single stinkin command! That family was a PRISON! So, I came to Shredder and he offered me the position." I lied.

"W-what?"

"You heard me!"

"I….I don't believe it…..But Raph, what about your brothers?... What about Leo?"

"You don't get it do you? I finally have freedom to do what I want. I don't have to listen to Leo's stupid orders any more! I have everything I've ever wanted right here."

"But-"

"I DON'T CARE ANA! I don't care about Mikey or Donnie or Leo! I don't care about Master Splinter or Casey or April! I don't care about you…." I paused and approached her. She took a step back.

"I don't care about ANY OF YOU!" I screamed as I shoved her as hard as I could into a tall bookcase in the back of my room.

She slammed up against the shelves and hissed in pain. Because of the impact, some of the old, rotting, wood snapped in two and let thick books and splinters topple onto her, making her crash onto the ground. She whimpered some more and then screeched loudly when another book crashed down onto her slit arm. Ana looked up at me, on the verge of tears, as I realized what I did. Yet again, my actions over powered my thought process and lashed out violently.

She used her good arm and her tail to remove books and brush dust from on top of her. She got to her feet and held her other arm close. I could see blood start to seep through the bandage. The stitches probably ripped when she hit the floor hard. Ana didn't say a word. She just tried her best not to cry out in pain.

I walked over to the window and opened it. "I think you should go." I pointed outside. Still clinging her arm, Ana slowly walked over to the window and climbed out onto the ledge. Before I shut the glass barrier, she looked back at me, holding back tears the best she could and spoke softly. "You **have** changed." And she jumped into the alley way below.

I watched her enter the sewer and then slammed my window shut. "AH! WHAT THE SHELL AM I DOING?!"

Just then there was a knock at my door. "Master Raphael, I heard yelling. Are you alright?" the familiar voice of Tiger Claw questioned.

"I'm fine. What do you want?"

"May I open the door?"

"Hold on." I unlocked the door and swung it open to see the oversized cat blocking the entrance. "Now, what do you want?"

"Master Shredder wishes to speak with you."

"Oh. Ok then." I shoved him aside exited the room.

As I walked down the long, dark hallways, I thought about the past twenty-four hours again. I also thought about how Ana was right. I couldn't just leave it at "None of your business." and "People change." They deserve to know why I really left and I wanted to tell them but after last night and after what I just did to my sister, there was no way I could approach them now. Any chance of me ever getting my family back was now gone.


	5. Breaking the News

"Ok Leo. Calm down. She'll be fine. She'll be home soon." I paced back and forth by the small pool in the layer talking to myself. My thoughts were on Ana. I knew she didn't just "Go for some fresh air" or whatever. I knew she went to see Raph. No doubt about that. I was afraid. I didn't know what Raph would do to her considering the damage from last night.

"Leo?! What the heck are you doing?" Donnie called from his lab when he realized I was no long laying down. He stood in the doorway, leaning on his crutch.

"Don, I'm fine chill." I stood in place looking at the turtle taller than me.

"No. I will not chill. Sit down! You're gonna make your head hurt worse!"

"Look, I took my meds! Ok? Walking is the only thing that doesn't hurt at the moment. Let me enjoy it." I turned around and started pacing again.

I was completely serious too. Walking didn't make me hiss in pain like every other action did. Even sitting hurt. I swear I literally had 50 million stitches in me….Ok not that much but I had a lot and it hurt like shell. Donnie said I got a mild concussion that would take about three weeks to heal from. On top of that, I had about fifteen stitches on my left shoulder, ten more on my right forearm, and twenty on my left, mid thigh. Then, I had two bruised ribs. I finally understood why Casey would say his body felt like a punching bag. Oh! And don't forget the fricken panic attacks. 'Why me?'

"Well still Leo! You gotta take it easy!"  
"I'm just walking Don."

"I know but your concussion won't treat you well if you don't stop."

"Since when will concussions ever treat you well? And since when have you cared ya hideaway?"

Donnie was silent and looked down. 'Aw! Leo you JERK!'

"Oh Don. I'm so sorry. I went to far on that one!" I facepalmed and then snapped right out of it when I hit my head. "Ah…"

"No….You're right…" And shut the door to his lab.

"Nice one big brother!" Mikey sassed.

"Hey you shut up! I don't need your crap right now!"

"Fine! Whatever."

"Ok thats it! Mikey what is your problem? You've been acting so nasty since-...you know…."

"I thought you just told me to shut up."

"Oh for PETE'S SAKE!" I screamed. I then felt like I had just killed my brain. "Oh gawd!" I held my head as I lost my balance and almost fell.

"Woah Leo! You ok?" Mikey ran to my side.

"Yeah I'm fine. Just take me to the coach." I struggled to say.

He helped me hobble over and sit down. He then knelt down and looked at me. I still held my head as if my hand had healing powers or something that would make the pain subside. "Do you need something Bro? Anything?" My little brother questioned. I hadn't seen this side of Mikey for ages it felt like.

"Uh….Well some water and an ice pack would be nice….maybe."

"On it!"

He flew into the room minutes later with my requests. 'Where in the world has this Mikey been?'

We sat there for a while. Mikey watched TV and I tended to my hurting head and looked around the room, awkwardly. I finally broke the silence with a question.

"Uh Mikey?"

"Huh?" He answered without turning around.

"Why have you been so….I don't know….mean lately?"

He perked up when I was finished. It took a minute but Mikey finally turned around and faced me. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well you know. You've had a pretty crappy attitude since Raph left. And don't get me wrong, I know we all have. But you've just been rude, and short, and just….not Mikey."

"Oh." He looked down at the floor.

"I just wanna know what's going on."

"Well,...try to follow me on this." He looked up at me again.

I grinned a bit at my brother's usual opening to an analogy.

"So there's this puzzle right? And all the pieces are there and they fit perfectly and they're tight and it's just this perfect picture. But one day, a piece goes missing and there's this gap in the picture. The pieces are all loose and falling apart and nothing's quite right. And this piece that goes missing is like one of those pieces that you will probably never have again even though it's probably shoved in between the couch cushions or something. So to fix the puzzle and make it kinda look good again, you take one of the pieces and put it through a copy machine. Once it's printed out and everything, you sick right in that gap of the missing piece so that the picture looks good again. So that the puzzle is complete."

"What are you saying Mikey?"

"Leo, I'm that piece that went through the copy machine and is filling in for the lost one. When Raph left,...it was too hard for me. It felt like too much was missing. So you know I thought….I thought I would…." Mikey grew quiet and looked down again.

"You thought you would fill in for him."

"Yeah..." he answered, not looking up.

It was quiet for a few minutes as I thought of what I was say next. I finally lifted my brother chin to look at me. I tried to smile to cheer him up.

"You're forgetting something little brother." I spoke. "Not one piece of the puzzle is the same as another. They are all different and special in their own way. So even if you put that piece through the copy machine, it's not going to fit the lost one's place."

"Huh?"

"Mikey, Donnie is Donnie, Ana is Ana, Raph is Raph, and you….you're you. You can't change that no matter how hard you try."

"...I guess you have a point. But...don't you w- want Raph back? Thats kinda what I was trying to do." He bit his lip to keep from crying.

"Hey listen, I want him back as much as you do. I would do anything to have him back with us. But I don't want to lose another family member in the process. I would much rather have my humorous, positive, fun loving brother around than feel like Raph is back but not really have him."

"Yeah…"

"Ha! And lets face it Mikey, you were terrible at 'being Raph'!"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Look, Raph had his moments but he wasn't rude or mean all time! You were trying WAY too hard! I mean you were brutal! Haha!" I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

"Heh. Yeah….you're right….. So, are we...ok?"

"Yeah! We're ok!" I pat his shoulder and smiled. He returned with a hug and with his first, genuine smile in a while. For the first time in a long time, I felt ok. No, I felt happy! Plus, my head didn't hurt. So that was a bonus! 'Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem!' The feeling didn't last long.

Just then, I heard footsteps and small, feminine, sobbs approaching the layer. Donnie must have heard it too because he opened his door. "You guys hear that?" he questioned.

"Little cries?" Mikey questioned. "Yep!" My little brother then went to the the layer's entrance and looked out. "Ana?" he said when he looked to the left and then ran out.

Donnie and I looked at each other. "Oh no." He said as he hobbled next to me on his crutch and looked at our two family members that entered a few second later.

Mikey had his arm around Ana and looked down at her hunched over body. She held her bad arm close to her tummy and had her good one around Mikey's shoulders, putting her full weight on him, which wasn't much.

"Ana!" I stood up a little too quick and sat right back down cause of my head. "What happened?!" Donnie questioned. hobbling quickly to her aid. Then he saw her bloody arm. "Ana! What shell did you do?! Come on! We gotta get that restitched!" he ordered without letting her speak.

Mikey and I waited in the main room while Donnie worked his magic. "What do you think happened?" Mikey asked.

"She went to see Raph." I answered without hesitation.

"Are you sure? She didn't say in the no-"

"She went to see Raph."

About thirty minutes later, Don and Ana walked out. Freshly wrapped and still in tears, Ana ran into my arms. She grasped me tight as I hugged her in return. It hurt but I didn't care. All I wanted was to comfort her in anyway I could.

She sobbed into my shoulder and mumbled things I couldn't make out. She finally pulled away from my embrace and stared at me with her bloodshot eyes. "Ana," I said as I ran a finger through her hair. "What happened?" I questioned gently.

"R-R-Raph…" she struggled to say. "H-he's….he's gone….He's not coming home. He's staying with Shredder and I-I don't understand why!" she cried.

We were all frozen. 'Knew it. I knew she went to see him.' I felt hot tears forming in my eyes and I could see Mikey and Donnie's eyes getting glossy as well. No one was holding them back this time. They just needed to flow. We were all here, together, and just needed to cry and let it out. Mikey and Don ran to Ana and I. We all flung our arms around each other and sobbed. Who could blame us? Our brother was now our enemy and there was no sign of turning that around. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. If there was, we couldn't see it.

"My children?" We let go of each other and looked up at our rat master who had just exited the dojo. "What is wrong? And-" he had just realized we were all covered in bandages and stitches. 'Here it comes...'

"Leonardo! Explain! How in the world did you all get so injured?"

"Uh…" I sniffed and wiped away a tear from my cheek. "Right. Well you see…."

"Hey guys." April interpreted as her and Casey entered the lair. "Any knew from R-"

"OH MY GAWD!" Casey screamed. "What happened?!"

April just stood there shaking and covering her mouth with her hands. She obviously had no words to express her emotion. Unlike Casey.

"Hey guys. We were just getting ready to uh…..explain." I answered.

Everyone made their way to the couch as I told about what happened last night. Shame struck the faces of my brothers and Ana and horror was written all over Master Splinter, Casey, and April's face.

"So...yeah….Thats it." I finished.

It was quiet for a few minutes. April finally broke the silence. "So….what are we gonna do Sensei?"

Master Splinter was silent. I could tell he was still thinking of the situation. "Well…" he started. "Despite the circumstances, we must continue with our lives."

"What? But Sensei-" Mikey argued but then was cut of.

"No! I know it will not be easy but we must move on and that means, once everyone is back to normal health, we continue training and you all continue patrol. We all must make the best of what has happened and accept it. We have to let Raphael go."

"But Raph is my best friend Splinter!" Casey continued the protest. "You can't expect me to sit here and do nothing."

"Casey, you are not of my students like the rest of them. You do not have to follow my lead, although I suggest you do. There is no telling what could happen if you approach him. If Raphael did this much to his own kin, I don't want to know what he might do to you."

"...Yes sir." Casey put his head down.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I must meditate." and Sensei walked back into his room.

For hours, it seemed like, we all sat there is silence. Ana finally fell asleep and Donnie went to his lab. April and Casey hung around for a bit but we didn't do much. It was about 4:00 p.m. when they went home and it was just me and Mikey sitting in the main room.

"So….how's your shell Mikey?" I questioned. (He had cracked the edge the night before.)

"Huh? Oh. Its fine. It doesn't hurt much. I always wondered how Raph coped with it but the pain is just a short shock and then that it."

"Ah. Cool."

"Leo, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you think Ana's gonna be asleep for a while?"

"Uh probably. Why?"

"Well she never lets me play on her computer and I heard she just got the new Slender game. And I'm like dying to play it so...do you wanna work some boyfriend magic and get the computer for me?"

I chuckled. I wasn't expecting that. I thought he was gonna ask something about Raph but I'm glad he didn't. I was proud to see Mikey was already trying to make an attempt to move on.

"No, but I'll do it."

"Really?"

"Sure! But if she kills me later, you're coming down with me!"

"Haha! You got it big brother!"

"Heh. I'll be right back."

I opened Ana's door and saw her fast asleep. I then grabbed her computer and then ran out.

"There ya go Mikey!" I handed my little brother the device and sat down on a beanbag next to him. His face lit up when he pulled up the game and started playing. It felt good to see someone happy.

Getting our lives back on track was gonna be a big challenge but I knew we could do it. Shell, we're already taking baby steps. Its going to be hard but not impossible.


	6. Never Forgetting

"I must admire what you did Master Raphael. I would never be able to-"

"SHUT UP!"

"...Yes sir. I understand you don't want to talk about it. But my compliments goes to you. Obeying Master Shredder to that extent….I wouldn't be able to do it."

"Did you not just here my order you overgrown pussy cat?"

I was so ticked at Tiger Claw. How dare he!

It was three month after my horrible mistake. I had forgotten about it mostly but it came back to haunt me in my sleep. I would hear the screams and yelps of my family. I would see them looking at me and hear them say my name. Then I would wake up and shove it out on my mind. My nights were basically restless. I would be up till 3:00 a.m. doing my job and then wake up at 5:30-6ish a few hours later. Yeah. That explains the bags under my eyes I covered with my mask.

"There's the factory. We meet Hun and his gang in the back. Let's m-...Let's move." I ordered the cat and a convoy of the Foot hesitantly. Leo had always said "Let's move". It had just hit me how much I sounded like him. But like every time I remembered something from my kin, I shoved it out of my mind and kept moving. It was second nature for me at this point.

"The Foot." Hun hissed as my soldiers entered his presents. The head of the Purple Dragons smiled as I appeared out of the shadows with Tiger Claw behind me. "Ah. The great Master Raphael Hamato. It is an honor to meet you as my ally and not enemy. I welcome you."

"Hun. Your welcoming is appreciated, but Shredder is not a patient man. Let's get to business."

"Of course. Do you have our loot?"

"Hand over the chemicals first."

"Ha. You humor me. Surely you don't expect me to just hand them over do you?"

"Don't test me Hun. Chemical. Now! Then you'll get your money."

"Fine. Wouldn't want to keep you. Fong! Bring the poison."

Seconds later, Fong came out of steel doors, carrying a sealed, iron briefcase that reflected the moonlight. At the snap of my fingers, Tiger Claw grabbed the case and shoved their payment into Hun's arms. He opened the black, business case and smiled.

"Pleasure doing business with you." he remarked in delight and nodded his head.

I returned the nod and turned around. "Foot, we're out. Get back to Master Shredder and don't loose the chemicals. Tiger Claw, be careful. We don't want that spilling on anyone."

"Yes sir."

After I presented Shredder's possession, he told me I could have sometime to myself. First time he said that in forever. So I decided to do something I hadn't done in ages. Instead of training or attempting to sleep, I went for a walk.

I just talked to myself like I was crazy. Exactly how I use to do whenever Leo got on my nerves.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I screamed at the voice swirling around in my mind.

"You're a great master Raph. Your family could never see that in you. You are better off here than anywhere. You've been a monster since you were young. The Shredder has simply helped you embrace that." the voices hissed.

"But I don't want to be here! I don't want to be a master! I don't want to be a monster and I'm not! I NEVER WAS!" I screamed aloud. I felt possessed, taken over. I was more a slave than ever. This wasn't the freedom the thought I had. Not at all.

"Raph?" a familiar voice came from behind me. "Are you ok?"

"Don?" I turned around at there he was.

"Who are you screaming at? Whats going on?"

"DONNIE!" I ran to him and hugged him tight, lifting him off the ground. "I'm so sorry brother! I didn't mean to! Please forgive me!"

"Uh Raph, can you put me down? And dude! Why'd you can me 'Donnie'?" a different but still familiar voice spoke.

"Huh?" I looked up and didn't see Don. It was Mikey. "Mikey? What the-"

"Put me DOWN Raph!"

"Ok ok! Sorry!" I set him back on his feet. "I thought you were Don but I'm still just as happy to see you little brother!"

"Brother? Really? Are you seriously pulling that?"

"Mikey?"

"You're not my brother Raph. You really think after what you did, you could still have that title?"

"W-What? Mikey I-" He disappeared as mysteriously as he had appeared. "Mikey? Donnie?"

"Donnie's gone Raph!" yet another familiar voice called. "He committed suicide after we all found out you joined the foot."

I turned around. "Ana? Wait what? Donnie WHAT?!"

"You heard me. And don't bother looking for Mikey either. He ran away from home. We haven't seen him in ages."

"Ages? But it was only a few months ago when I-" Ana then fell onto the ground and started to cry. Blood started to stain her shirt. "Ana! What happened? Wha-"

"RAPH STOP HURTING ME!" she screamed.

"But sister I'm not-"

"GET AWAY FROM HER!" a voices screamed behind me.

I turned quickly as Ana disappeared. Leo stood about a yard away. "Leo! What's going on?"

"You took everything from me. My brothers, the woman I loved, my father, my friends. What more can you do but take my life?"

"Big brother?" I started to cry a bit.

All the sudden, the other members of my family appeared on either side of him in a horrid state.  
Donnie was pale with sad, empty eyes that were lifeless. Mikey was covered in ugly, distorted tattoos that were done horribly and he looked like he was drunk. Ana was missing an eye and was wrapped in bandages all over. She looked like a mummy. And Leo, he wore a black hoodie jacket to cover up his wrists that he had obviously been cutting. He had scars all over his face from fights he must have gone into. They all looked like walking dead.

"Anyone who is capable of doing this to his own blood, his own kin…."

"What are you saying?"

"What am I saying? Hmph. What I'm saying is, we never want to see your face again. You're a monster." Leo hissed as he walked near me and shoved me over the edge of the skyscraper.

"NO!" I screamed as I fell into an eternal black hole.

"AHHHHHHHH!" I woke up sweating and in tears. I breathed heavily as I climbed out of my bed. "Just a nightmare Raph. Just a nightmare." I whispered to myself and then went out for a real walk.

I was out for about an hour, trying to block out my dream. There was this one, little voice that whispered louder than thousands of lies. "Don't push them farther. Don't push them farther." But I still ignored it.

I had been out for about half an hour when I finally just sat at the top of an apartment building. I started to doze off again when a voice came from behind me. "Raph is that you?" I hadn't heard that voice in five months. "Casey?"

"Yeah. It's me." the night vigilante answered.

"Oh my gawd! Casey!"

"Raph! Where you been man?"

We joyfully hugged each other and started to talk about how many thugs he had bussed without me. "Not bad Jones!" I complimented him.

"Yeah! I've been pretty successful!...But it's not the same without you."

"Hmph. You don't mean that."

"...Yes I do. Raph you're my best friend dude! I missed you….What happened?"

"I don't think we should talk about this."

"Why not?"

"Because the last two times someone tried to get me to tell them what happened, I hurt them. And I didn't even mean to."

"...Well, I pretty sure I can take you Raphael. Haha!"

"I'm not joking. Don't try my patients. I...I don't have any."

"...Ok. Well then act like I didn't ask. Just treat this like we're tellin each other what's been up while we haven't seen each other. We use to do that all the time."

"I don't know Casey…."

"Oh come on. I shared my piece! Now it's your turn!"

"...Ok. I'll tell you. But NO ONE is to find out! Here me? You tell anyone, well….let's not talk about that."

"You got it Raph. My lips are sealed."

"Good! And no one can find out you hung out with me. You have to act like this thing never happened!"

"No problem."

So I told him. I told him about the first night when I got the deal flung at me, I told him about how I accepted and why, I told him about how I watched over my family and made sure nothing happened to them, and I told him about the night they found me. Nothing else needed to be said after that. He was quiet for a minute or two and then Casey spoke.

"So everyone calls you 'Master Raphael'?"

"Pfft yeah! Isn't that cool?"

"Heck yeah! That's awesome!"

"Haha! Leo would…...Leo would never believe it…"

"Yeah. I think you should tell them Raph. Tell them what happened. It was for them, to keep them safe. They deserve to know."

"No way! I can't approach them after what I did."

"But they're your family. They'll understand. They love you Raph and they miss you so much!"

"...How are they?"

"Your family? Oh they were awful! At first Leo thought it was gonna be easier cause they were already taking small steps to healing but, he was wrong. It was pretty bad there for a while."

He paused and looked out over the city. I just waited for him to continue. 'What happened!? Why was it so awful!?'

"But, they are so much better now! They actually went on patrol last night for the first time since you uh….yeah. They got their stitches out two days ago and Leo got cleared from his concussion so their all good physically. Still struggling over you a bit but uh….they're alright."

"That's good I guess. How were they?"

"You mean like, how bad was it?"

"Yeah. Like what went on when they weren't 'ok'?"

"Oh….I'm not sure you wanna know."

"Yes I do. C'mon."

"No. I don't think it's a good idea."

"I told you everything Casey! Why can't you share this with me?"

"...I don't really have a good reason. Fine. I'll tell you but just a warning, things were terrible. I don't want to make you feel anymore horrible."

"I don't think that's possible Jones."

"Alright here's a few examples.…..So before they found you, they all started to change. Like Mikey became mean and rude, Donnie never talked and he lock himself in his lab 24/7, Leo was so upset that he got himself sick, and Ana stopped smiling and was tired all the time. If you think she deprived herself of sleep before you left, ha. You should have seen her that third week. She was like a zombie."

"And after they found me?"

"Well...I'm putting aside all the things you did to them ok?"

"...Alright."

"Ok. So Leo gave Mikey a pep talk about his random personality change and he went back to being uplifting and happy like before. That was the day after they found ya. So with Mikey being Mikey again, Leo thought things were gonna be easier. Things were pretty quiet. Then, about a week after when Ana got her stitches out, she kinda took over for Donnie as the doctor and scientist."

"Well she is Don's assistant anyway."

"Exactly. So she was always checking in on the rest of them. Giving them medicine, unwrapping and re-wrapping bandages, etcetera. One day, she was checking on Donnie. She had him take off his pads and muscle wrapps but for some reason he wouldn't remove the wrap on his left wrist. She finally had to rip it off him. I tell you, no one had ever heard Ana and Don yell at each other like they did."

-  
"TAKE THE DANG WRAP OFF DONATELLO!"

"NO WAY!"

"WHY?! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME?!"

"NOTHING!"

"THEN LET ME SEE YOUR WRIST!"

"NO!"

"OH for the love of GONDY!"

"I'm sorry Ana but I can't let you see…."

"Why not?"

"Because it's…..it's infected."

"What? How did it get like that?"

"Well Raph he uh….he didn't just give a bad ankle."

"Oh?"

"Yeah he- HEY! What are you doing?!"

~Rip~

"Oh-...Oh my gawd. You've been CUTTING?!"

"...Yes…."

"Why?! When did this happen?!"

"...I started a week after Raph left….Do you remember the night you and Leo came running after I screamed after looking for Raph alone?"

"Yeah…."

"Well that night if I didn't find him I was gonna….."

"Oh Donnie."

"But I didn't end up doing it obviously cause you guys found me before I could."

"Don, you were gonna-..."

"...Mhm…..I had no more hope."

"Thats why Don had been so quiet and to himself. He was depressed and didn't want to….live anymore." Casey paused.

"Over me?!"

"You were a big part of it, but everyone's drastic changes is what made Don….snap I guess. He's all good now though. He has scars but his infection is gone and so are the suicidal thoughts. He also hasn't cut since Ana found out"

"Well thats good...What about the others? Ana and Leo?"

"Oh well Leo finally got past his panic attacks so thats all gone."

"And everything else?"

"He struggled for a while. He meditated and slept a lot because of the drugs he had to take for his injuries. Very worn down and quiet. Ana was full of energy after about two weeks of Master Splinter making her go to bed early and sleep in. She kept trying to help Leo become stronger. His condition reminded her of when he came out of that coma at the farm house and you know how much she hated that experience!"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. Ana's just pushing too hard. I'm trying the best I can to get through this but my body is holding me back."

"Well remember what Master Splinter said that one time? The night before we went on the spirit quest? He said 'We choose what holds us back and what moves us forward'. You're so strong big brother. Are you really gonna let a few stitches get you down that deep?"

"It's more than a few stitches Mikey."

"Well still Leo. You've handled way worse and Ana knows that. We all know that. I don't think she's pushing too much. I think its just the right amount because Ana know you. She knows you're better than this."

"...You're right. 've grown up way too much little brother."

"Haha! That's what people keep saying!"

"Seriously though. You're so wise without even knowing it."

"Heh. Thanks Leo."

"No prob-"

"GUYS!"

"Ana? What's wrong?"

"It's Donnie Mikey! I can't find him anywhere!"

"What?!"

"I'm scared Leo! What if he-"

"Don't think like that! Lets go find him."

"But Bluey you're stitches!"

"I've handled worse."

"Did they find him?" I questioned.

"Oh yeah! It turns out he was just sitting at the docks. Just thinkin of things I guess."

"Good." I sat there for a few minutes. It was quiet. "Anything else?"

"Well Leo had an accident while trying to train once but he just had to get his injury restitched. Everyone's been really quiet and moody but I think that's gonna go away cause they're allowed to come up here again."

"That it?"

"I guess. I mean what else do you wanna know?"

"...I don't know. How's April?"

"She's good. OH! And guess what!"

"What?"

"I asked her out."

"Really?! What'd she say?"

"She said 'yes'!"

"Oh my gawd Casey! Congrats!...What did Donnie do about it?"

"He was cool with it actually. I talked to him before I asked her and he was ok."

"You know he's probably not right?"

"No. I really think he's good! Ana said she asked him about it and he said he wants April to be happy and if that's not with him then that's ok."

"Ooook…...Do you think they'll ever forget about this whole mess?"

"...I wouldn't count on it Raph. I mean, they all have permanent scars from this. Both emotional and physical."

"...Yeah…"

We sat there, silent once again, and watched the rushing city. I thought about what I had heard and the dream I had. I was in deep thought about the whole thing. Casey finally broke the quiet.

"I better head home. My dad is gonna be ticked."

"Ok. I'll uh...see ya around. And remember, no one finds out about this."

"You got it! Bye Raph."

"See ya."

I sat there, alone, for a while until I got a call from Rock Steady that Master Shredder needed to speak with me.

On my way there, I thought more about me dreams. Voices kept swirling around my head but that, at one time, small voice that spoke "Don't push them farther. Don't push them farther." was screaming! "DON'T PUSH THEM FARTHER! DON'T PUSH THEM FARTHER!" and this time I listened, but fear took over once more.


	7. An Innocent Bystander

This whole mess has been going on for six months now. Times have been really tough but I'm proud of my team for being so strong through it and today is a day to be happy! It's our 18th mutation day! Sure we'll be spending it without Raph this year but we can't let that get us down. Just like any other day, we need to keep going. Just like Master Splinter always says, "Life must go on."

I woke this morning with a scare. Ana, for some reason, thought it would be a great idea to give me a big wake up call for my mutation day. I don't think she was expecting me to fall onto the floor though. She felt really bad after helping me up, but I was just laughing the whole time! I thought the whole thing was pretty hilarious!

We both walked into the kitchen where Master Splinter had just put out some freshly made, chocolate-chip waffles (My favorite) and freshly made, blue berry waffles (Mikey and Don's favorite).

"Good morning my son! How did you sleep?"

"Morning Sensi! I slept pretty well. Yourself?"

"My rest was very good! How about you my daughter?" He looked at Ana.

"I got good sleep Master Splinter!"

"Good! I'm glad!"

Just then Mikey and Donnie joined us in the kitchen. "Happy Mutation Day my sons!" Master Splinter cheered as we all sat down at our places at the table. "Thanks Sensi!" we thanked our rat master.

"You guys! We're officially adults!" Donnie stated. "We're eighteen!"

Ana laughed. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean y'all are mature like one!"

"Well we know that Ana! You turned eighteen last year and you haven't matured one bit!" Mikey giggled.

"Hey! Yes I have!"

"Not to much!" I added

"Well I'm more mature then all of you! Except Master Splinter of course." She laughed.

We all had an enjoyable morning! Breakfast was amazing and the plans Ana, April, Casey and Sensi had set up for the day were looking like they would make today awesome! Everyone was ecstatic!

"Happy 18th Raph." I said to myself before finishing off my morning cereal because I had no one else to say it to. After breakfast, I was assigned to talk with Hun and his gang about Shredder's next move.'Why today? Why me?'

"Look Hun, all he needs you to do is shoot the darts while we distract the targets. You won't be getting your precious hands dirty."

"And Shredder will provide the guns?"

"Ugh. YES! You won't have to spend any money! Just do what he asks, and you won't get killed!"

"And we meet where?"

"The docs."

"Will do Master Raphael. Pleasure speaking with you, as always. My gang and I will not let you down!"

All the sudden we heard a small ruckus in the alleyway. Seconds later, Tiger Claw leaped down from a near by fire escape, holding a snowy, blonde haired, lizard mutant in his claws. She struggled in his grasp, trying to break free. The giant cat tightened his grip on her wrist and caused her to yelp in pain. "Master Raphael, I have found a spy. She was listening to our plans from above. Rules are that we take her to Master Shred-"

"WAIT! Please!" She cried. Her deep blue eye filled with tears and horror. Her orange, scaly skin became pale. In short, she was terrified. "I didn't mean to overhear your plans! I'm sorry! I was just looking for someone! Please! I meant no harm!"

I look down at her and felt pity. She was telling the truth. There was no way I could call her a spy. "Tiger Claw, release her. I believe her plead."

"I'm sorry Master Raphael, but I cannot do that."

"And why not?"

"Shredder has set rules and one of which states that anyone who is captured is to be brought to master Shredder."

"Well I'm your Master as well and I said let her go!"

"I am truly sorry but the rules are above you and I don't think you want me to tell Shredder you disobeyed him. You know what will happen then."

"...Fine!"

After we heard her plead to Shredder, he decided to take a new low. He explained to all of us how he couldn't trust her for whatever reason and sentenced her to death in a weeks time. He then sent Tiger Claw and had him put the girl in a cell.

I was pretty struck by this. The girl didn't mean anything and I highly doubted she would tell anyone. "Shredder, I won't let you kill that girl."

"And why is that Raphael?"

"Because she's innocent! She doesn't deserve to die! And she's a mutant! Who the heck is she gonna tell?!"

"She could have friends that are our enemies."

"And who would that be?"

"Perhaps your family."

"If she was friends with my family, don't you think I would have recognized her? Or she recognize me? I don't know her!"

"She still knows too much and-"

"YOU ARE THE MOST PARANOID PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE! Can't you see she's scared?! If she really meant any harm, I don't think she would be crying her eyes out!"

"THAT is enough Raphael. You are not to free her. If you do, then-"

"You'll kill my family. I get it!" I huffed and rushed out.

I went down to the prison cells and found the girl. After I commanded the guards to leave us, I spoke.

"I'm sorry about that up there. I had no idea he was gonna k-...you know."

"I really didn't mean to over hear." The girl cried.

"Yeah, I know. This is stupid. You don't deserve this."

"...You aren't like the other people here. You are kind. They claim that I should die anyway for disturbing your Sensi."

"Oh he's not my Sensi! Just my boss..."

"...I hear your friends call you 'Master Raphael'?" She sniffed and settled down.

"They are NOT my friends. Not even acquaintances. They're my enemies that I'm forced to be allies with. And it's just Raphael. I'm not worthy of the title 'Master'."

"Oh. Well ok Raphael...If you don't mind me asking, why are you forced to be allies with people who you call enemies?"

"Because I made a stupid deal to protect my family...Now I'm stuck here..."

"I see. That explains the difference between you and the rest of them. You understand sacrifice and family. All they know is force and destruction."

"I guess. So why where you on the fire escape?"

"I was looking for a friend. She's probably long gone from here now, but the last time I saw her she was in New York City….I guess I'll never get to see her again at this point."

"Yeah...must be nice….NOT getting to say goodbye to your friend! Thats really sad but I mean it must be nice having someone you can trust and go to like you do. I would go to my brothers and sister but….I don't think they would accept me anymore. Not after being here so long…."

"I wouldn't just assume that Raphael. They're your family. I'm sure they would take you in again with open arms."

"Well I wouldn't just assume that either. They might have at one time, but I doubt they will now. Not after what I did to them."

"I see….Why are you telling me all this?"

"Believe me, this isn't even the half of it, but I guess it's because….well….you asked and I'm not afraid that you'll tell anyone. Besides, I haven't gotten into detail."

"Oh. Well I'm glad you trust me even the slightest much!"

"Yeah…." I looked down.

"You seem to have gotten even more upset….Is there anything I can do?"

"Unless you can some how reverse time and take me to the night I got into this mess so I can just finish it then and there….no. There's nothing you can do. I'm still alone, surrounded by enemies who I want to strangle more than anything but I can't do that because then Shredder will destroy everything I care about…..Thanks for asking though." I said looking up.

"...You're not alone Raph!"

"What?"

"You have me now. We are friends right?"

"Well I guess. Only my friends call me Raph."

"Hehe! Then it's official!"

"Heh. Yeah…. but not for long."

"Oh...That's right..."

"Yeah. I wish I could help you but..."

"No. It's ok. Maybe there's some weird reason why I'm here to die so soon. No matter how hard I wish it wasn't so, it's gonna happen..."

"Yeah..." I thought to myself for a second. "Maybe not..."

"What?"

"Maybe I can still get you out without directly getting you out!"

"Ya lost me."

"I'm not aloud to directly talk with my family but, if I can get the word to them some how...YES! I got it!" I stood up and started to run upstairs.

"Wait. What?! Raph!"

"I'm not gonna let you die! I promise! You're gonna get out of here!" I ran back to the cell and stood in front of her. "I'm going to get you out...uh...-"

"Charlotte! Charlotte Haven!"

"I'm gonna get you out Charlotte! I'm done doing the wrong thing!"

"You would do that? You would go against your leader for me?"

"Of course! Like you said, we're friends! And I'm not going to let you die for no reason. Shredder is wrong this time. Well, he's wrong all the time, but I'm not going to be his puppet this time."

"Oh thank you Raph! Thank you so much!"

"No problem! And besides, I go against my leader all the time! Just ask my big brother, Leo!"


	8. The Letter

"Just take it to them ok? It's really important!" Raph handed me an envelope with Leo's name on it.

"Sure thing Raph! But...is it still a secret we've been hanging out?"

"Yeah. You can tell them about this meeting but the others...don't tell them about those."

"Cool. Well I'll get this to'em."

"Thanks Casey!"

"No problem! I'll just finish up here and-"

"NO! Get that to them like now! I told you it's urgent!"

"Ok ok! I'm going!" I sort of chuckled. 'What was so important about this letter?...Then again, Raph is actually contacting his family. He's risking a lot to get this to them.' I exited the ice rink and grabbed my hockey bag. "See ya Raph! Casey Jones won't let ya down!"

The turtle yanked his head to silently thank me and leaped out a near by window.

I looked at the the black envelope again before exiting the rink. "Alright Jones, get going!" I told myself.

Minutes later I entered the layer where Donatello was in the middle of challenging Mikey to an air hockey game. "I'll take that offer Donnie! You know, if you're ready have your shell kicked!" I teased.

Donnie smirked. "You're on Casey! I'm gonna wipe that gappy grin off your face!"

It was good to see Don doing a lot better than he was, but before any shell kicking went down, I had letter to deliver.

Leo and Ana had just exited the dojo with April. "Your getting better April!" Ana cheered. "Soon your gonna have that katta down!"

"Leo!" I called to the fearless leader. I ran over to him and shoved the letter in his three fingered hands. "Raph said it was urgent to get this to you!"

"Raph?" He hesitated as he opened the envelope. "When the shell did you see him?"

"Just tonight! He found me practising at the rink and told me to get that to you as soon as I can. So there ya go!"

The whole crew gathered around Leo, waiting for him to read the letter. He hesitantly started. We leaned in listening to every single word. It went something like this:

"My family,

Hi. It's been a long time. Sorry about that. I'm sure you have many questions. Don't worry. Hopefully I'll be able to explain myself to you all soon enough but right now, I need your help. Yesterday, Shredder imprisoned a teenage, mutant girl who accidentally heard some plans that were meant to be a secret. Her name is Charlotte and she is completely innocent. She didn't mean to hear what she did but Shredder is so paranoid that he plans to kill her on Thursday, two days time. Look, I know I have made a lot of mistakes but Shedder has crossed a line that I am NOT going to cross with him. Not this time. I can't let him kill Char. Please help me. Shredder has forbidden me from releasing her but that doesn't mean you guys can't save her. Leo, make a brilliant plan like you usually do. She's in cell B37, and whatever the plan ends up being, I need it to look like I'm trying to stop you guys from rescuing her. We have a very limited time. Again, please help me. Forget about everything I did for just a day or so, if at all possible, and get her out! Please! You don't want to regret this.

~Raphael

P.S. Miss you guys. Stay safe."

It was quiet for a long time when Leo was done reading. Everyone was in shock, including myself. Now I knew why I had to get this letter to everyone. An innocent life was at stake and because of that, I was the first to break the silence. "Well what are you guys waiting for! Get going on a plan Leo!"

"Wait Casey! What if it's a trick?" Leo reasoned, trying to hide his true biting to save this girl, and more importantly, get a chance to talk to Raph.

"Do you really want to take that chance Leo? Raph isn't lying! Trust me, I know. He wouldn't lie to you guys!"

"Yeah, the old Raph wouldn't, but-"

"He's still the same Raph guys! He's just lost. He needs help and maybe this is a way to get to him." I wanted so badly to tell them the truth, but I kept my mouth shut.

Everyone looked back at the letter again. All except Donatello, who walked up and stood right by me. He put his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. "I agree with Casey!" He announced, looking back at his family. "We were all lost, weren't we? And we helped each other through it. Raph doesn't have anyone! He's our brother! I don't care what you all say, I'm going in there to get that girl AND Raphael! Even if it's just me and Casey Jones!"

We high fived and put our hands on our hips victoriously. As they all stared at us, a small smile crossed Mikey's face. "Well if Donnie's going, I'm going!" The orange masked turtle took his place on the other side of his brother.

"Yeah Mikey!" Don gave him a fist bump.

Seconds later, April joined us. "Yes Babe!" I cheered as she stood by my side and we put our hands around each other's waists.

Ana smiled and looked at Leo who returned her glance. "What?" He questioned her. The mutant lizard rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Well I'm waiting for you."

"Huh?"

"Leo, I know you want to do this. I'm just waiting for you to forgive Raph, like I know you want to, and join the others. Come on."

He looked away and glanced at the letter once again. He shut his eyes, trying to hide his emotion, while Ana started to play with the tails of his mask. She always did that to silently and calmly ask for an answer and sometime she just did it for fun.

Leo took a deep breath and opened his eyes, looked at Ana, and then at the rest of us. We were itching for an answer.

"Ok. Let's save Charlotte!" He smiled as we all cheered.

Minutes later, Leo, Don, and Ana were creating a plan in the lab. Simultaneously, April, Mikey, and I readied supplies and made the situation aware to Master Splinter. Well, Mikey and April did that while I, uh...ordered Pizza for dinner.

I texted Raph later that night when everyone else was asleep, as April snuggled up against me on the turtle's couch. This was going to be awesome! Things were looking up a bit. I smiled as I opened my text messages and sent to Raph: "Operation 'Rescue Charlotte' is a go!"


End file.
